The Glorious Life of Business Travel

People sometimes comment about how much travel I do for work. People with families sympathize with the time spent away from home. Fathers of young children fantasize about getting a full night's sleep uninterrupted by crying kids. Non-marrieds usually say something along the lines of "You must love getting away from the kids!" Trust me, it's not as glamorous as it may appear on the outside.

Let's take this week as an example:

Wetaskiwin, AB Super8... after checking in, the desk clerk informs me their keycard coder is broken and won't be replaced until tomorrow, which means he has to let me into my room using the hotel master keycard. I felt somewhat like a prison inmate being escorted to his cell. I had to follow him to the second floor and down to the end of the hallway where he let me into my room. I didn't dare leave again because I didn't want to end up locked out of my room. With my luck, I'll go out for dinner and he'll get called away on some hotel emergency and I'll end up sleeping in the lobby. Then in the morning when I went to iron my shirt, I discovered there was no ironing board. This would've been more of an inconvenience if there had actually been an iron in the room. They probably figured I wouldn't need an ironing board without an iron (which makes sense). To add insult to injury, my room was so far down the hall I couldn't get a good wireless internet connection (it was a long-distance phone call to the front desk).

Courtenay, BC Travelodge... home of possibly the hardest mattresses and thinnest blankets I've seen in a long time. I'm used to having blankets you can see through, but not pillows. I have three or four of them piled up in my attempts to get comfortable. Two wonderful nights of car alarms going off in the parking lot, water pipes that squealed like cornered pigs, and a room heater that didn't want to go above 68F no matter how high you crank the dial. Apparently there is a shortage of ironing equipment, or a conspiracy. Maybe they're just afraid I'm going to hurt myself. I knew a guy who once burned his neck ironing his shirt collar... no word of a lie.

Campbell River, BC Travelodge... situated right across the road from the ocean, and I get a view of the rear parking lot. Seems about right. Two double beds huh, that should be fun. Maybe if I slide them together I could lay down across both of them. Oh good, the outlet where my laptop has been plugged in all night apparently doesn't work, nothing like starting out the day with 5% battery capacity. I've given up on expecting irons/boards in the rooms now. On the plus side, this is one of the first rooms I've had where the curtains actually close all the way. That's because it's just one big curtain, which is fine because I didn't really want to look at the parking lot anyway.

Courtenay, BC Best Western... why didn't I stay here the first time? Comfy bed, nice blankets, it had been so long since I had seen an iron or ironing board in a room I almost didn't recognize them. You know you're in a good hotel when you want to steal the pillows. I was really close to stuffing one in my suitcase and blaming its disappearance on the cleaning staff, but it wouldn't fit. What's this?? A real shower head?! And it even had water pressure too, this is almost like Christmas.

Saanichton, BC Super8... I don't think this room had been updated since the 70's. A padded chair and a recliner which don't match (each other, or anything else in the room), both looked like they were obtained at the "Raymond Flea Market" (the last Monday of the month when we can stick pretty much anything on the curb and the town will haul it away for us... sometimes people will pick up items early if they see something they like). I'm not sure what the official term for imitation imitation-leather would be, but the chair was covered in it. This was seriously one step away from the plastic furniture covers. I realized that the dirty laundry bags must come as a package deal with the iron/board because this one didn't have any of them, good thing I picked one up at the Best Western. And I love having to pull the desk away from the wall so I can access the only wall outlet in the room, it's a good workout.

So go ahead, envy me for my carefree life of travel and leisure. Trust me, it's not as glamorous and rosey as it looks. Did I mention the front desk staff at the Calgary hotel recognized when I started using my new Airmiles MasterCard? He also gets worried about me if I don't check in before 10:30pm when I've made a reservation. When I put on my shoes at home, the kids ask me how many days I'll be gone this time. Yah, livin' the dream...

Redefining Marriage

I'm not going to get into the marriage debate with anyone because no amount of debate will make any difference to what really matters. What I will do, however, is relentlessly mock some of these extreme examples of people who have taken marriage to levels it was never intended to go.

November 2009. A Japanese man married Nene Anegasaki. Big deal, right? I don't know if any of you have heard of the Nintendo DS game "Love Plus", I hadn't before I read about this. Apparently Nene is one of the characters in the game. This wasn't like some Comic-Con appearance where his girlfriend dresses up like the character (or slave Leia, which apparently is a big thing). No, he brought his DS to the ceremony and was married to the character.

May 2010. Lee Jin-gyu from Korea marries his pillow. To be fair, it wasn't just a regular pillow. It was a large one with the picture of an anime character on it. I know what you're thinking... "Whew! That's okay then. For a moment there, I thought this was going to be weird.

Uwe Mitzscherlich, a German postal worker married Cecilia, his love of ten years. What could possibly be wrong there? She wasn't a game character or a pillow. The doctor told Uwe that Cecilia was ill and may not live for much longer, which seems to have prompted the wedding. Now, when I say "doctor", I really mean veterenarian. I'll let your minds wander around to all the different possibilities for a minute before I mention that Cecilia is a cat. Said Uwe, "Cecilia has such a trusting character. We constantly smooch and she has slept in my bed from the beginning of our relationship, which is unique." I almost feel to apologize about some of the things I may have said about pet parents, because this is a whole new level of stupid. I've heard many statistics in psychology and sociology about how married people tend to live longer, and how people with pets tend to live longer. I can't say I've seen any statistics on the lifespan of people who marry pets. I wonder if there's a government-funded study in there somewhere...

On a similar note in India, Selva Kumar felt guilty about killing two dogs around fifteen years ago and feels he has been cursed with paralyzed legs and hands as well as the loss of hearing in one ear as a result. What's the cure? It's so obvious, I don't know why anyone would even have to ask. Find a stray dog and marry it. No, seriously, he married a dog. It may be too soon to tell if the curse is lifting or not, though.

A 37-yr old Chinese man, Liu Ye, married himself to show his dissatisfaction with reality. He had a life-sized cardboard cutout of himself dressed as a woman to stand in at the ceremony. To be clear, the cutout was not dressed as a woman, it was a photo of him dressed as a woman. I'm not sure how the divorce proceedings would work in a case like that. How would you structure visitation rights? Who would get the house? What about the conditions of the restraining order? It seems a little problematic at best. The scary part was that he found 100 people to actually show up to the ceremony. Personally, I'm not sure how he managed to stay single long enough to marry himself.

I won't even discuss the man who married his Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, or the fact that he had relationships with Airwolf (the helicopter from the 80's TV show), or a Ford Ranger he named Ginger. Won't talk about the woman who married the Eiffel Tower (changed her last name to Eiffel too), or the woman who married a piece of the Berlin Wall, or the woman who wants to marry a roller coaster ride.

Forget about trying to define which two (or more) people can get married, apparently we need to start worrying about what people can marry. And what if these people believe in arranged marriages? Heaven forbid any of them should actually have children, but just imagine when mom or dad introduces you to the family pet, or Wii game, or whatever, with that hopeful gleam in their eyes.

iLuv It

This year for my birthday Dawn (and her co-conspirators) got me an iPad.

I've talking about them for months (apparently we stopped to look at them on our way home before the accident), but in the way I talk about maybe someday I'll get a Corvette. This time I was actually looking into it though. I checked out the specs, even surfed the App store periodically to see what I'd do with one if the planets aligned just right. I had about 12 apps added to my wish list, just in case...

So, now I have one (32GB wi-fi, no 3G service) and it is awesome! The iBooks reader is cool, although there isn't much content yet compared with readers like Kindle. That's okay because I also have the Kindle app. The default calendar and contacts programs will sync with Outlook or Google, and email syncs with several different services. I transferred my movies from the iPod so now I can watch them on a large screen (and toggle between full and widescreen modes). The Safari browser is pretty good and works with most of my favorite sites without many issues. It doesn't like the animations on the Lego site, sadly.

Some of the cool apps I've found so far:
-Dropbox, filesharing app which let's you access your files from various computers and devices. I can update a file at home and it will be automatically updated when I access it from work, or now my iPad.
-LCARS clock, a Star Trek themed clock with an alarm. It looks like the computer screens on Next Gen. Dawn was so happy she was speechless when she saw it. I think she may even have had a tear in her eye...
-Chronicle, a password protected journal app which also lets you add photos and export to your computer.
-Google Earth, a stripped-down version of the desktop app. Still fun.
-Planets, shows the position of the sun, moon, and stars relative to your location. I'm lucky to find the big dipper, so this is a great app for me.
-DocumentsToGo, allows viewing and editing of Microsoft Office documents.
-MormonChannel, audio streaming of various radio programs. Also includes audio for the Church magazines, scriptures, and conference sessions.
-GospelLibrary, can read the scriptures, conference talks, curriculum manuals, etc. as well as making your own notes and cross-references.
-The Weather Channel, cool forecasting app where you can get weather updates on your favorite locations.
-iFitness, has a very comprehensive section on various exercises based on equipment, or no equipment at all, and let's you set up your own workouts. It also tracks progress and stats. Hopefully this will help get me off my flabby backside.
-Mythbusters, this is too much fun. A few video clips and three little games based on experiments done on the show. Awesome.
-AirAttack, a fun arcade-style flight game where you can control the plane by tilting the iPad. Somewhat addictive.

I'm still scouring iTunes for more cool apps. I'm even thinking of doing my lesson on Sunday just from my iPad instead of printing off 4-5 pages every time. The screen is easy to read and it has a ridiculously long battery life. This is one of the coolest gadgets ever. And somewhat depressing to think that the first computer we bought after Dawn & I got married didn't even come close to any of the capabilities.

I wasn't a fan of the screen protector, it showed fingerprints and smears more than the regular screen. I would recommend the Apple case though. The cover folds back and makes a handy stand for using on your lap or desk.

As you can see, I'm having a lot of fun with my new toy. To give you an idea of how much fun I'm having, I didn't even put my two new Lego sets together until Saturday because I was playing with the iPad on Thursday night and Friday.

Oh, and I wrote this entry entirely on my iPad...

How NOT To Get A Tip

Let me preface my wonderful experience at the Montana's across from the Sunridge Mall in Calgary (32 St and Sunridge Blvd NE, just in case anyone was wondering) with my philosophy on leaving tips. If I'm going to give you more money than what is owed on the bill, it's because you have given me more service than for what you have been paid. I do not tip because there is an unspoken expectation or because there is a space for "Tip" on the bill. I will happily give you a tip for going above and beyond your required duties.

I used to carry Canadian Tire money with me for those times when the staff didn't deserve a tip, but I'm not allowed to do that anymore. So now I don't leave anything at all if the service has been poor (just think what they could've done with all that Canadian Tire money).

You will not get a tip from me if:
1. After I have been waiting thirty minutes for my meal, you come to my table to ask if I have received my food yet. I seriously couldn't give her an answer. Honestly, how do you answer a question that stupid?? My table is bare, there is no plate in front of me, my cutlery is still wrapped in the napkin because I haven't used it yet, and I've started chewing on the table to hold me over. It's not like she hasn't walked past my table repeatedly while serving other customers. "I'll go check the kitchen to see if it's ready yet." That's a good idea, princess. It tells me you haven't been watching for it and has probably been under the heat lamp for twenty minutes. Nothing hits the spot like a warm steak sandwich...

2. You bring my meal without any sort of apology for the delay. At least pretend to be concerned. I'm not asking for tears or an Oscar performance, but a simple "I'm sorry for the wait" would help.

3. You have walked past my empty glass eight times without stopping to see if I would like a refill. The menu says "free refills on soft drinks", don't hoard them as though you have to draw them out of a well from atop a treacherous cliff where even the mountain goats fear to tread with a bucket and a long rope.

4. You don't stop to ask if my steak is done right, or how the meal is. Granted, the piece of meat they stuck on the bread may not technically be steak (it may have at one point been in the fridge beside a steak), take a second to see if I need anything (like a Costco-sized jug of BBQ sauce to help soften it up enough to gnaw through).

5. You bring me the bill before you ask me if I want dessert. This, probably more than any other offense, is your tip's kiss of death. If the desserts were big enough, I'd order one instead of my meal. In fact, dessert is my favorite meal of the day. I really like their deep-fried cheesecake and was actually going to order the full-sized option, instead of the individual portion. Heck, I probably would've given her a tip after all that, just for letting me have chocolate and caramel sauce on it, which they do sometimes (I still don't understand why they offer those as either/or choices).

The sad part is how easy it would have been to fix any one of those issues, but she didn't even try. It's too bad there isn't a negative tip option...

Is Nothing Sacred??

I was watching TV in my hotel room the other night when I saw a commercial which pushed a couple of my buttons. To be fair, some of them are bigger than others and are much easier to trigger.

I am a HUGE fan of ice cream. We usually have two 2.5 gallon pails in the freezer at all times. One is vanilla (for mixing, topping, milkshakes, etc.) and the other is flavored. While I have a few definite favorites (hmmmmmmm, tiger), I'm open to most flavors (just keep the raisins and bubblegum away from it). I have learned not to eat ice cream on my way to work because I will invariably spill it on my shirt, so I will intentionally schedule some of my trips around being able to stop for ice cream on my way home.

So you can imagine my horror when I saw the commercial for *gasp* Dairy Queen's new mini blizzards.

By the power of Greyskull, who was the over-paid marketing executive genius who came up with this?!?  A 6oz blizzard?!? It's half the size of the small cup. And it was only a couple of years ago when they scaled back the cup sizes, hoping no one would notice (like I'm not going to realize the large is suddenly in a medium cup). I was trying not to yell, or throw something, at the TV (don't shoot the messenger, right?) while holding back tears.

If they are so bent on ruining something, why not mess around with something that didn't single-handedly save their entire chain from extinction. Experiment with the hot dogs, the iron-grilled sandwiches, the salads, because heaven knows we aren't coming to DQ specifically for those gems. I've never heard anyone say, "Let's make a DQ run, I really want a salad!"

DQ is known for ice cream. Dilly bars, Peanut Buster Parfaits, and most of all, Blizzards. I am of the opinion that the current sizes were already too small. I miss the good ol' days when a large blizzard really was large. If you want to commemorate the 25th anniversary of the blizzard, give us a larger size, not a smaller one. This is the Texas of ice cream treats, don't mess with it!!

Get Outta the Line!!

I have come to the conclusion that there should be a mandatory skills/competency test for anyone who wants to use the self-serve checkouts at Wal-Mart. I'm not talking vector calculus or organic chemistry, just a simple English comprehension test with possibly some basic reasoning and problem solving thrown in. If you don't pass the test, not only do you not get to use the self-serve lane, but you also have to wear the cool pointed white hat.

Really people, how hard can it be? Take the item, scan it, put it in the bagging area, move to next item. Not rocket science. But apparently this simple process manages to elude the grasp of most of the people who were ahead of me in the line this evening.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I invariably select the longest line. It may look shorter, but something always happens and mine takes longer. Someone has to find a coupon, an item doesn't scan properly, the clerk has to call for a price check because the customer picked the one item in the whole store that doesn't have a price tag or a bar code. Tonight was no exception. There were two check-outs which were actually functioning (the others had lovely hand-written signs indicating they were out of order). The first was being used by two women, the odds should be good that two people could figure out the complex system required to successfully scan their purchases. However, this was not the case. They would scan an item, then put it directly into their cart. Then they tried to scan the next item, but the system wouldn't let them because it didn't sense anything in the bagging area. The poor staff member who drew the short straw and was assigned to monitor the self-serve area had to come over and explain it to them, again.

While that is going on, there was a lady using the second checkout. She would reach into her cart and pull out one vegetable and place it on the scale. Then she'd have to follow the on-screen prompts to select which type of produce etc. I'm not sure exactly what goes on the screen as I don't take produce through the self-checkouts, but judging from the puzzled looks and the amount of times she had to touch the screen for her single tomato, the computer was asking her to find the value of X using the quadratic equation. Once that one was done, she'd reach back into her cart and pull out a single cucumber and go through the process again.

I have learned that since the car accident, my stupidity tolerance has gone way down below my normal levels (and it was so high to begin with). This is not good, especially when I'm standing in line with my two items. I decided to cut my losses and go down to the express checkout. I'd have to say this had mixed results. Sure, the line was shorter and was moving along nicely... until the lady in front of me went to pay for her purchase

with a frikkin cheque!!!

Seriously, who still uses cheques?!? And she was one of those who doesn't move from the register until she has entered the amount in her cheque register and balanced her account. Oh wait, it gets better... she waited until she was done balancing her books and doing her taxes before giving the clerk her requisite two pieces of ID. By this time my eye is twitching, veins are protruding from my forehead, "accidents" are being plotted...

The clerk waved to me to come forward, I'm sure he was trying to pressure Senora Speedy into moving faster. As he scanned in my two items, she stepped back in, nearly pushing me aside, saying she needs to find her wallet. How can you lose your wallet/cheque book in the thirty seconds between getting your receipt and taking two steps?!

"Oh, here it is in my bag."

That loud snap you just heard was the sound of my self-restraint breaking under the strain of rampant stupidity. I pulled out my debit card while she was still standing there, hoping desperately that she'd wonder what the strange thing was and maybe look into getting one for herself.

As I walked out, I passed the self-serve checkouts and for once I had made the right choice in bailing out into the other line. She reached into her cart and placed one lemon on the scale...

That's a First

Anyone who has ever been to a fast food restaurant knows that up-selling is just part of the process. "Would you like fries with that?" "Would you like to make that a meal today?" Sometimes it's annoying, but many times it works and the customer ends up spending more money (good for the restaurant) and receives more of what they want (good for the customer).

I was in Chicago last week for the Subway convention. After surviving the taxi ride from the airport (I swear our driver was Satan's personal chauffeur. No depth perception whatsoever, every time he changed lanes someone was honking at him for cutting them off, pedestrians must've offended him somehow because he kept trying to hit them, I was sending texts to Dawn "tell kids I <3 them"...), I wasn't really in the mood to drive anywhere again so I decided to walk around the hotel. There was a Subway restaurant just down the block a little ways, so I went in for supper (they keep advertising things that we can't get up in Canada). The service was very good and friendly, and when I got to the till, I grabbed the large cup to go with my sandwich.

Let me jump in with a little behind the scenes here. As a consultant for Subway, I have become probably one of the worst customers on the planet because I know what the staff should be doing (even when I go into other restaurants, I'm always pointing out things that need to be fixed...). Anyhow, I was mentally making notes as they made my sandwich. Hmm, they didn't ask if I wanted double meat or bacon... When I got closer to the till, I was anticipating "Would you like to add chips or cookies and a drink to make it a meal?" (or something along those lines). So when I grabbed the large cup, I naturally expected a question about chips or cookies. Instead, the girl at the till just asked if I wanted the meal (not the best, but better than nothing I guess). I said yes and grabbed a bag of chips to save her the effort of asking. Then, for the first time ever in my life, she tried to "down-sell" me.

"This is the cup that comes with the meal," she said, pointing to the medium.

"I know, but I want a large." We don't have 44oz cups at home, so this was somewhat of a novelty for me. And really, the 21oz just isn't going to cut it. It's so hot outside, the metal chairs are starting to look like something out of the Salvador Dali painting where all the watches are melting. I'm only getting this cup because you don't have anything larger and I'm pretty sure you'd frown on me drinking right from the fountain.

"But this one is cheaper." I'm having flashbacks to the Futurama episode where Fry is ordering Slurm at the movie theater and the guy behind the counter tells him, "for 25 cents less, you can downsize to the extra small..."

"That's okay, I'll pay the difference." I know there's a button on their till for substituting a large drink for a medium, and if there isn't, I could seriously walk her through the steps of making one...

She had a really puzzled look on her face as she rang it through and gave me my change back. It's not like I was asking her to cut off her own finger, I was just trying to spend more money for something I wanted.

I've worked with many staff who are a bit nervous about asking the suggestive selling questions out of the fear they may offend the customer. Let me tell you, I'd rather have someone ask me to add things to my order than try to talk me out of something I've already ordered.