Stupid Tech Support

On Sunday morning I found out I had a problem with my router, so I called the Telus tech support line. "Due to a higher than normal call volume, your wait time is expected to be... Thirty... Five... minutes" (if you are always on hold for at least 30 minutes, wouldn't that be a normal call volume?). I was about ready to strangle someone. Not because I was on hold for so long, but because of their stupid recurring message announcement. Every 3-4 minutes some lady's voice comes on to say I could avoid long hold times by checking out the tech support section on the Telus website. I really believe this is the sort of idiocy that pushes otherwise normal people into becoming serial killers. If I could connect to the internet to review the tech support materials you have so conveniently posted online, I wouldn't be calling!! Telus is the flaming service provider, people don't call the tech support line just to chat with the friendly customer service agent on the other end. We phone because we can't get onto the internet.

It didn't help my frustration level when Joe Helpful starts talking to me like I've never seen a computer before (I shouldn't complain too loudly, at least he spoke English). Let me tell you what I've done so far, Sparky. I used the command prompt in Windows to release and renew my IP address, didn't work. I unplugged the router and connected the computer straight to an old DSL modem and the internet works. Unfortunately I have three other computers in the house which need the internet as well.

Einstein has me turn off the router for about 30 seconds, then turn it back on to see if that works. Nope.

Then the genius tells me that it must be a problem with my computer. I remind him if that were the case, the other 3 computers connected to the router wouldn't be having the same problem.

I have to check the status board to see if there are any problems on this end. It should only take 15 minutes, and I'll phone you back.

Thirty minutes later...

Hmmm, we'll have to send you out a new modem.

I have an extra one right here, and I STILL get the same problem. So, either you sent me two defective modems (in retrospect, not that far out of the realm of possibility... this is Telus after all) or the problem might be on your end somewhere.

If the new one doesn't work, we'll have to send out a technician.

Oh good, it's not like I need the internet at all. I only live about 2.5 hours away from my office and need use the internet to connect to the shared office network, not to mention all the business email. You'll have to forgive me if I'm not overly thrilled about being down for "3-4 open business days".

And they wonder why I get cranky when Telus calls to see if I want to subscribe to digital TV. I have an idea, why don't you get your phone/internet departments working properly before you start branching out into other areas... just throwing it out there.

Resume Do's and Don'ts

Due to some very stressful circumstances at work, I am in the process of hiring another staff member. This has been a very interesting experience so far. This isn't the first time I've had to go through the selection process, but for some reason this time around seems to be more involved.

Anyhow, I thought I'd give some quick pointers to people out there who may be looking for a job. Think of this as an opportunity to learn from the stupidity of others. Remember, all these examples are from resume submissions I have received over the course of the last week and have not been embelished. I'll leave out the names to protect the clueless...

1. When you email your resume to your potential employer, don't broadcast it to five different employers at the same time. Ideally, the resume you prepare for a consulting job would be different than one intended for a hospital position, or one in city administration. If you're too lazy to send five individual emails, I'm too lazy to read your resume. Delete.

2. When you email your resume, try to use a common format, such as MS Word, .RTF, or even HTML. Pick something as close to universal as you can find. If your potential employer replies asking for a specific format, don't just resend the attachment in the original format. I can tell that it still won't open. I have to fire staff who can't follow directions, so I am not likely to hire someone who lacks that ability from the onset. Don't think of it as me hitting the delete button, think of it as being pre-emptively fired.

3. For the love of all things pure and holy, do not send your prospective employer one of those "pass-along" emails. You know the ones... you're the 40th person to receive the email, the email is 27 pages long because no one knows how to trim out all the accumulating headers and to just forward the actual content, everyone's email addresses are listed just waiting to be harvested for spam... I'm going to delete it and take my chances that my luck is going to go bad within the next 15 minutes. I'm just crazy that way. Your resume will "accidentally" get deleted with it. Not sure how that works, but it does.

4. Know the position for which you are applying. If you send me a cover letter stating you're perfectly suited for the medical receptionist position, I'm not going to take you seriously for the position of Business Consultant. I suppose I should thank you for saving me the time of actually reading your resume.... Delete.

5. Read the details of the job posting. When it says travel is required, don't ask me if it would be possible to stay in-town so you can watch your child(ren). When it says this is a full-time position, don't tell me you're only available in the evenings because you are in school full-time. Delete. Delete. Delete...

**Added Oct 7** 6. When the posting says travel is required, don't ask if that means during the winter as well. This is Alberta, Princess. Chances are quite high that you'll be driving in snow for most of the year, deal with it. Delete.

Anyhow, we'll see if the actual interview process fairs any better than the resume submissions. On the bright side, a trained chimpanzee would do a better job than the staff I've had to fire...

What's the Number for the Fashion Police??

One of my hobbies is taking photos of people. Stupid people mostly. Unfortunately, most of them are work-related, so I can't share them with the world in general (although they are usually fun at staff meetings). It's too bad, because there have been some real doosies...

I think one of the more serious plights in our society, which often goes overlooked, is the startling lack of full-length mirrors. People of all ages seem to suffer the same affliction. Without a full-length mirror, how are people supposed to know that they look like their wardrobe was arranged by a seeing eye dog? Sure, Lassie does a great job letting you know little Timmy is stuck in the well or that terrorists are conspiring to kidnap the boyscout troop, but I wouldn't let her pick out my clothes.

Anyhow, I took this photo while waiting in the security line at the airport on Friday morning. Try to imagine for a second the thought process that must have taken place... She pulls out two or three different outfits, spends five or ten minutes deliberating on which one she really wants to wear, and this is what she decided on...


REALLY?!? How bad were the ones she decided not to wear?? I've made no secret of the fact I'm not on any best-dressed lists anywhere, but I don't recall a time when any of these components were in style. She looks like Richard Simmons got in a fight with RuPaul. I should be careful because someone could read this and get offended because they have the same outfit in their closet too. If this is the case, I apologize. Just let me know where I can send you your full-length mirror...

Back off, Sparky!

As I was packing for my Edmonton trip this week, I noticed that my work pants had a small hole in the seat. I'm not sure how long it has been there, but apparently I spend a lot of time parked on my tushie because I lose more pants that way. I thought about reinforcing the butt of all my pants, but the stitching would probably look tacky...

Anyhow, back to the story. I had to buy another pair of pants when I got to Edmonton and stopped in at Moore's. Don't worry, I had another pair to wear during this transition phase. I walked in, avoided eye contact with all the salespeople, walked straight over to the pants wall, quickly scanned for the 36x36's, and had already a pair in my hands before Captain Commission came over.

"Need a hand with anything?"

"Nope, I've got it already." I showed him the pants I was holding, hoping he'd go away. No such luck.

"Need to try them on?"

I'm standing two feet away from the changing booths, I think I could find my way over in a pinch. "No, they're the same size as the ones I'm wearing now."

"Well, I guess you don't need me." chuckle, chuckle...

That was the general idea I've been trying to convey. Memo to me: 'work on being less subtle.' He started walking away, freedom at last! But he was just taking a breather for round 2.

"We have some fall jackets on sale."

Ummm, congratulations? I'm trying desperately to find the 'off' switch for my social filter, but to no avail. Fall jackets, seriously??

"The outer shell zips off and you can wear the inside as a sports jacket."

Oh good, because having the zippers on the sports jacket won't look tacky at all! And it's the itchy wool, my favorite! I know I'm not on the front line of fashion. I don't think I'm even in the fashion line, period. If it weren't for Dawn, I doubt I could make it out of the house with matching socks. Seriously, she's the one who opened up my world to wearing colored dress shirts, and I only bought the blue & light grey shirts because she assured me they'd match. Then she told me I couldn't wear a black shirt with black pants. That confused me... Anyhow, no one has ever come up to me and said, "You know, a sports jacket would really work with your shirt and tie look..." and I've had strangers come up and say some really weird things.

I politely told him I wasn't looking for jackets and walked towards the checkout. I made the mistake of slowing down momentarily in front of the tie display and he started to salivate again. I shook my head to say to him "don't even go there", when what I was really thinking was "I'm using my heat vision on you, why is your head not exploding?!?"

A Happy Ending, Eventually

I received a response to the email I sent to National Rentals customer service, and they told me I had to phone a toll-free number because my email didn’t have enough information. I had to drive up to Calgary this morning, so I figured I’d call them while I was on the road. The story had a happy ending, but it was quite a ride getting there…

I phoned the number they gave me, which ended up being the tech support line. The guy answered the line and asked for my employee ID number. I said it probably wouldn’t help him since I’m not employed by his company.

“How did you get this number?”

“Customer service said I need to call here about comments I had submitted a few days ago.”

“What is your reservation confirmation number?”

“I’m driving and I don’t have it with me.” You’d think I’d be able to pull a number like 189272589 from my memory, but apparently not.

“Do you have your driver’s license?”

“Yes, hold on a sec…” It’s always fun trying to dig a wallet out of your front pocket while driving.

“Please hold.”

Before I could draw breath, there was a click followed by what could easily be classified as the worst hold music on the planet. I envisioned everyone waiting in line at some music counter, and apparently after all the elevators and dentist offices were done getting what they wanted, this was all that was left. To really get the full effect, try to imagine gathering together about ten of the people who show up to American Idol auditions in the hopes of being on TV for a few minutes knowing full well they can't sing. Now, put them in a recording studio and have them do covers of popular songs. And instead of having guitars & digital keyboards, give them xylophones and 4th grade recorders as backup. Then the duet with the chimpanzee playing the bagpipes...

After about five minutes of wanting to drive into on-coming traffic rather than listen to the hold music, he finally came back on the line to tell me he had someone from the customer service department on the line to help me. When he was satisfied I was in good hands, he left the call. I’m not sure how the phones work over there, but apparently everything runs through his phone extension. When he hung up, I got a dial-tone on my end too. Less than helpful.

I had to call the tech support line again, explain why I was calling tech support instead of customer service, and this time asked for the number for customer service in case I was disconnected again. He managed to transfer me to the right department without hanging up on me.

Long story short(er), customer service was very helpful. They gave me a credit on the difference between the Silverado and the evil Ranger, as well as a credit for the fuel being less-than-full. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting to have anything resolved. I guess previous experience with various customer service departments have left me bitter towards the whole process. And after all the hassle of being transferred to different departments and the fact that the customer service department didn’t even give me the right contact phone number, I thought for sure this train was going to derail. But hats off to (I wish I could remember his name), he resolved the issue promptly and was friendly about it.

National Car Rental

...or 'Gary learns to pre-book his car rentals for the long-weekend.'

Sometimes little details escape my notice and I have to learn lessons the hard way which would be otherwise obvious to the general public. The most recent lesson was "Plan ahead when booking a rental car so close to the August long weekend".

I had to be in Vancouver on July 31st for a staff meeting, so I went online on the Monday to book my flight and rental. Apparently, not enough time in advance. Budget Rental, my tried-and-true, had no cars available by this time (Doh!), so I went to National because they also have an outlet at the airport.

When I checked National's line-up, the "1/2 Ton Extended Cab - Chevrolet Silverado or Similar" was cheaper than any of the cars, so I booked that one. I'd rather drive a truck than a car anyway, so I need very little prompting in that department.


What I got was not quite as advertised. I got off the plane, made my way over to the rentals desk, and had to pry the booking agent away from some very important conversation with her co-worker. She wanted to get rid of me as quickly as possible, and I wanted to get to the office so I didn't feel I had the time to stop for chit-chat. She gave me the paperwork and handed me the keys to...


...a Ford Ranger, which in my estimation is nothing similar to a Silverado. There's no way you can tell me the Ranger is anywhere near equivalent to a 1/2 ton extended cab. The Ranger has more in common with an El Camino than it does with a Silverado.

And to add insult to injury, it didn't really bother them that the tank was about 1/8th below full. If I don't bring it back full, I have to pay as though the staff personally drilled for and refined the oil, and then carried it to the truck in approved containers while riding on the back of a camel. Not a bad money-making scheme if you can get it. Charge people pretty much double the pump price if they bring in the vehicle less than full, then send it back out again without actually filling it up again so you can either 1) get the new driver to fill it up, or 2) charge him through the nose for not bringing it back full.

The guy who checked over the truck when I brought it back cared even less than did the lady at the desk in the morning. We'll see what the corporate customer service department has to say about the email I sent them this morning...

I'm Not Completely Useless...

...with tools.

Thanks to the help of family and friends, we're finishing off the "new basement" (or 'the guest wing') this summer. When it grows up, it'll have two bedrooms for the girls, an office, and a play area.

These are our "Les Nessman" walls. Trying to visualize how everything will look when we get the real walls put up. At this point, the girls are already fighting over who gets which room.

Jesse is the brains behind this endeavor. In retrospect, we probably should've had the basement floor dug lower...

Jesse did all the framing. I have a strict policy not to interfere when the structural integrity of the house could potentially be comprimised... Just to be safe, we went on a three-day business trip to make sure I couldn't help with this part. When you mess up in shop class, you just drill a hole in the top and call it a candle holder. When you mess up on the framing, you have to explain to your daughters why they can't have doors on their rooms like other kids do.

A shot of the future office.

The mini-mud room. Just want a place where kids can hang up their coats and come in the basement without freezing everyone else in the basement.

Wiring has begun. This is where I came in. I ran the wires, then Jesse showed me how to wire in the outlets and the light fixtures while he continued working on the framing. There are four plugs in each of the girls' rooms, five outlets in the playroom, four double outlets in the office (I think we have four powerbars running in the office right now), three phone jacks, and I put in two network plugs so we don't have to run network cables around the room.

Gary learns a valuable lesson in wiring... Don't nick the wires or you have to replace them. Apparently, exposed wiring is a fire hazard. Fortunately, it was only about 8 feet of wire, and not the one running all the way back to the panel.

Wiring is done, now to insulate the office. This is more for sound-proofing than for environmental control.

The office from the inside. We're going to line the walls with tar paper before doing the drywall to help further dampen the noise which will be coming in.

I don't want to jinx anything, but I think I'm catching on to the whole electrical wiring thing. We'll see what happens when it comes time to wire in the bathroom fan downstairs...