I've never really been a fan of the elliptical machines in the past, and I'm not even sure why. I can assure you my opinion wasn't formed from my exhaustive study into consumer research or the recommendations from trained fitness professionals. I'm pretty sure it came from my observation and misguided assumptions. It looks so easy, how could it give any sort of workout? So when we had the opportunity to "store" one at our house, I was thinking the padded handle bars would make great coat holders.
Last night I put all my exercise gear together and told myself I'd give it a shot first thing in the morning, which apparently is around 9:30. I was up at 6:30, but it took me a while to really get myself into "the zone". Then all the kids decided to gather and make fun of Dad's shorts, or the bright white legs, not really sure which.
The first three minutes were a breeze. At this rate, it's going to take me an hour on this thing to feel like I've done anything.
Then I started to feel my legs... calves complaining a bit, quads grumbling about being tired. By minute 6 (had to check my watch to make sure), I was sure the kids had been playing with the resistance dial and had it cranked up. Nope, still set to 4 (1 being the lowest). Six minutes of cardio, that should be good for the day, right? Five minutes a day on the Ab Rocker is supposed to magically give you chiseled abs (and huge arms too somehow, judging by the commercials).
I can make it to half an hour.
Ten minute mark... fifteen more should be fine. I'm sweating so much, my vision is getting blurry. Memo to me, make sure I have a small towel handy for tomorrow. At this point, I can actually hear the siren call of Heavenly Hash ice cream in the basement.
Fifteen minutes... five more, and I'm good. There's a strange anorexic man wearing a black robe and holding a scythe waiting patiently in the corner. He keeps checking his watch periodically, then looking up at me as if he's late for an appointment...
Sixteen minutes... gah! I'm never going to make it to twenty. Now the guy in the robe is showing a movie... Ahh, there's me as a baby. I was cute back then. There's me in kindergarten... kind of a boring flashback really. Oh, you had to include the peanut butter incident. Was that really necessary?!
Seventeen minutes... Do I call you Mr. Reaper? Grim? Is that even your first name, or is it more of a title? Probably just hoping the scary outfit and outdated farm implement will distract everyone from the fact his name is Eugene or something. He probably became the angel of death to get back at everyone who made fun of him in elementary school.
Eighteen... I, Gary Hamon, being of reasonably sound mind do hereby bequeath my earthly possessions... Who's bright idea was this, anyway? The good news is that my calves aren't complaining anymore. No, they're talking with their union rep about going on strike.
Nineteen... go towards the light! Aunty Em, is that you?
Twenty... Done! I don't remember the floor being quite this wobbly before. We should really get someone in to make sure it's still level. I feel like Tim Conway in that classic dentist sketch where he accidentally jabs his leg with the freezing needle.
So, the elliptical totally kicked my butt. Maybe this is a sign I need to do more physical activity? I guess if you can look back fondly to a day when going up the stairs didn't involve two rest stops on the way, that could be a sign it's time to be more active...
Last night I put all my exercise gear together and told myself I'd give it a shot first thing in the morning, which apparently is around 9:30. I was up at 6:30, but it took me a while to really get myself into "the zone". Then all the kids decided to gather and make fun of Dad's shorts, or the bright white legs, not really sure which.
The first three minutes were a breeze. At this rate, it's going to take me an hour on this thing to feel like I've done anything.
Then I started to feel my legs... calves complaining a bit, quads grumbling about being tired. By minute 6 (had to check my watch to make sure), I was sure the kids had been playing with the resistance dial and had it cranked up. Nope, still set to 4 (1 being the lowest). Six minutes of cardio, that should be good for the day, right? Five minutes a day on the Ab Rocker is supposed to magically give you chiseled abs (and huge arms too somehow, judging by the commercials).
I can make it to half an hour.
Ten minute mark... fifteen more should be fine. I'm sweating so much, my vision is getting blurry. Memo to me, make sure I have a small towel handy for tomorrow. At this point, I can actually hear the siren call of Heavenly Hash ice cream in the basement.
Fifteen minutes... five more, and I'm good. There's a strange anorexic man wearing a black robe and holding a scythe waiting patiently in the corner. He keeps checking his watch periodically, then looking up at me as if he's late for an appointment...
Sixteen minutes... gah! I'm never going to make it to twenty. Now the guy in the robe is showing a movie... Ahh, there's me as a baby. I was cute back then. There's me in kindergarten... kind of a boring flashback really. Oh, you had to include the peanut butter incident. Was that really necessary?!
Seventeen minutes... Do I call you Mr. Reaper? Grim? Is that even your first name, or is it more of a title? Probably just hoping the scary outfit and outdated farm implement will distract everyone from the fact his name is Eugene or something. He probably became the angel of death to get back at everyone who made fun of him in elementary school.
Eighteen... I, Gary Hamon, being of reasonably sound mind do hereby bequeath my earthly possessions... Who's bright idea was this, anyway? The good news is that my calves aren't complaining anymore. No, they're talking with their union rep about going on strike.
Nineteen... go towards the light! Aunty Em, is that you?
Twenty... Done! I don't remember the floor being quite this wobbly before. We should really get someone in to make sure it's still level. I feel like Tim Conway in that classic dentist sketch where he accidentally jabs his leg with the freezing needle.
So, the elliptical totally kicked my butt. Maybe this is a sign I need to do more physical activity? I guess if you can look back fondly to a day when going up the stairs didn't involve two rest stops on the way, that could be a sign it's time to be more active...
4 comments:
LOL. That was beautiful!! I haven't used an Eliptical before, but I will use caution if the opportunity ever comes my way. I promise that the work out will be worse tomorrow. It takes me about 3 days before I can function "normally". Whatever that means.
You have an eliptical machine?!
I am so jealous! I love them! (I hate sweating and jumping around - but I love elipticals)
I love you Sugar Cone! You used to climb the hills of Charleroi with out breaking a sweat! or was that because it was below Zero
Hey Gary,
Did you serve in Belgium?
I hope things are getting better. We did stop and visit on Sunday morning and I did loan you $100.00. I think by the time you pay back all the loans you received while your memory was on strike will mean you have to get a second job.
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