Adventures in Ikea

My sister gave me a shopping list (and money to go with it) for a few simple items she wanted from Ikea. Since I would be in Calgary and Edmonton this week (both have large Ikea stores), I figured it wouldn't be a problem. After all, how hard could it be to pick up a chandelier, 4 packs of plastic cups, and a swing? Clearly, it's been a while since my last trip to Ikea.

Remember the scene in Harry Potter where they set up the small tent and everyone goes inside to find a spacious, nearly palatial, setup with multiple rooms? That's what Ikea seems like to me. It might look large on the outside, but it's much bigger on the inside. The only thing worse than trying to assemble Ikea furniture and deciphering the instructions is trying to navigate through the store. Theseus had an easier time finding his way through the Labyrinth at Crete.

I start out on the second floor because I vaguely remember the kids' stuff being up there, somewhere. In retrospect, I should've seen warning signs in the number of bewildered looks from people wandering around against the flow of traffic indicated by the not-so-helpful blue arrows on the floor. I think the staff sit around at the company Christmas party and watch the store security videos to laugh at everyone wandering around lost.

I found the plastic cups relatively quickly, which gave me a false sense of hope. At this rate, I should be out of here in 10-15 minutes, tops. Not so much. This is when they start springing helpful signs like this one...

They should just put up a sign stating, "Now you're really screwed. It doesn't matter which way you go, you'll never again see the natural light of the sun." So, my only options are the showroom, or the showroom tour. Fan-frikkin-tastic. I guess I'll go to the showroom

Those bedroom displays they have set up? They aren't showcases, they are rest stops assembled by frantic shoppers trying desperately to survive after being stranded for days. They're like the emergency stations on the way up to Everest. I think one of the displays had "Donner party was here" carved into the wooden side-table

Hmm, there's the restaurant again, which means I'm going in circles. Oh look, the helpful and easy-to-follow store guide...

So I still have to find a swing and a chandelier. There's no point in asking staff for directions. The only Swedish I know was gleaned from watching the Swedish Chef, which is less helpful than you might think ("Weer de hellen es der wayen ooten?").

Feeling fairly confident these items aren't on the 2nd floor, I finally found stairs down to the main level where I eventually stumbled across the lighting section and found the specified chandelier. Two down, one to go. More wandering, some crying about possibly never seeing my family again, and a short bout of hysteria later, I found the bulk furniture section, which means I've been through the whole store and haven't found the swings yet. Crap-tastic.

Do you know what they installed before you get to the checkouts? Touch-screen terminals where you can search the catalog and the computer will tell you where the item is located. Do you know where this sort of information would be helpful? At the FRIKKIN ENTRANCE!! Turns out, the swings are in the kids' section, which means I have to go back upstairs. Oh, joy.

So, back through the fire swamp, past the lightning sand, and just after the flame spurts there is the kids' section. Where are the swings? On the wall beside the stupid plastic cups. I was going to use my phone to send a photo to my sister to see if this was the kind she wanted, but there's no signal. If you see a group of women gathered around in Ikea, there's probably a really good deal on something. If you see a group of men gathered together, there's a strong possibility they've found a small hole in the store's shielding where they can get faint signals on their smartphones. "If we only had a Heisenberg compensator, we could remodulate the phone frequency to intermittently fluctuate the signal in order to bypass the dampening field from the shield generators."

So, if by some miracle this gets uploaded, it means I must've found enough of a signal to contact the outside world again. Tell my family I love them and I miss them terribly. I'd ask for someone to come find me, but I don't want anyone else to be lost on my account...