I've Been Facebook Hacked

Did "hacked" come to mean something other than someone gaining unauthorized access to your account? I know kids these days have new words for everything, so I just wanted to make sure I didn't miss some of the hip lingo they're laying down.

I'm seeing so many people on Facebook lately claiming to have been "hacked" because their account is sending out posts/messages without their knowledge.

If you had been hacked, there are two possible scenarios:
1. Someone either figured out your password (you use your dog's name for all your passwords) or cracked it using what's known as a brute force attack (a program literally tries all the possible combinations until it finds the right one), or
2. your sibling/spouse/friend/ whatever finds out you didn't log out of Facebook when you walked away from the computer, and you don't notice until people start commenting on your post about how that sibling/spouse/friend is the best person on the planet (or that you pick your nose, depending on how kind that person feels at the time).

Here's why you don't see more brute force attacks on Facebook profiles: let's assume you have an 8-character password with 1 upper case, 1 number, 1 special character, and 5 lower case. That's 98,853,048,320 possible combinations. It would take 2hrs for a computer capable of trying 25 billion passwords/hour (that seems to be the average figure for brute force applications, and Facebook doesn't let you try that often). Adding even one more lower case character to your password adds roughly 48hrs to the cracking time needed. No one really wants to spend that much time just to get access to your Facebook account. Let's face it, all your selfies are on Instagram anyway.

So, in short: You were not hacked. On Facebook, that's known as permissions, not hacking. At some point in your Facebook journey, you clicked on something that gave another app permission to post on your behalf.

"But I didn't click on anything!" you protest.

Really?? This is Facebook, if you have a mobile device, you check Facebook an average of 14x/day. The average session is 20 minutes. Next to email and your web browser, Facebook is the most popular app. Almost 80% of smartphone users check Facebook within 15 minutes of waking up in the morning. 62% of users check Facebook immediately in the morning. Somewhere along the line, you clicked on something.

You probably didn't notice because you just hit OK on the pop-up message that was between you and the video you wanted to watch, or the quiz you wanted to take so you could see what kind of spatula you were in a previous life and didn't see the fine print that said you give this app permission to post to your timeline. These "hackers" don't need to waste time breaking into your account when you simply leave the door open for them.

My Response to "Modest is Hottest"

Some of you may have seen the blog post from the Confessions of a Teenage Bride website. I've seen it shared on Facebook several times in the last couple of days. If you haven't, you really should go take a look because it's worth the read (find it here).

It's very interesting to read it from the woman's point of view, having tried the less-than-modest approach and comparing the two. There are two things I want to address in response to her article.

First: I hope the girls realize that the same guys who are checking them out as they walk down the school hallways in various degrees of immodest clothes are also making derogatory comments about you when they're alone together. I remember very clearly a time in high school gym class when a group of "popular" guys were in the locker room being very demeaning about a girl, who was part of their group outside the locker room, because of how she dressed. They weren't complaining, but they talked about her with the negative and vulgar associations you'd expect from the minds of grade 10 boys. When I hear the saying, "Dressing immodestly is like rolling around in the mud. You'll get attention, but mostly from pigs" I think of that group of boys. Nice to your face, but they'll use your back as a knife holder.

Second: I can't speak for all guys, I just know what I and the other guys in my group thought and felt. There are still those of us out there who really do think modest is hottest. Unfortunately, they don't make as much noise as the guys who are cheering and leering. Most of the time, because we're guys and have the social graces of a giraffe on roller skates, we don't know how to compliment a girl without coming across as awkward. "Hey, you look good all covered up like that" somehow just doesn't come across as a positive comment. Due to the general maturity level of that age group, if a guy were to express a compliment to a girl, there's a fear that others would see it as romantic intent. It was like that back when I was in school, and probably goes back to when the first boy asked the first girl out on a date. You talked to a girl, therefore you must "like" her.  

Psychologists at Princeton University (the reference escapes me at the moment, when I find it I'll put it in), where a group of men were shown images of "scantily clad" and fully dressed women while being given MRI brain scans (and yes, they did find something in there). When the men viewed photos of fully dressed women, the areas of their brains associated with people and feelings lit up. Researchers found that the less the woman wore in the photo, more of the men's brains associated with objects and tools was active.

Now, before this detours into a discussion of "dress modestly because boys can't control their thoughts", let me stop that train right here. Girls, the point behind modesty is NOT to prevent the walking raging hormones known as boys from having thoughts and urges they can't control. That's a cop-out on the part of the boys. The point to modesty is that you recognize your own worth. You deserve better than to have some guy's brain put you in the same category as it does a hammer or a wrench.

So, back to the original article. I argue that modest really IS hottest. Who cares how the lowest common denominator defines hot? You are worth so much more than that.

My Big Secret

I think it's time I made a confession. I've tried to hide it for a long time, but I figure people are bound to find out eventually anyway and I may as well tell everyone. I am an introvert. There, I said it. Feels good to get that off my chest and not have to live under the deception of a double life. In case you missed it, this is the part where you act shocked and surprised...

Growing up, I thought I was just shy (and I probably had that going for me too). Now I understand myself a bit more and that it's all about where I get, or expend, my energy. I always knew I felt more comfortable with a small circle of very close friends than with a large group of good friends. I really enjoy getting into thought-provoking conversations, which is usually easier with people closest to me. Small talk is emotionally draining and almost painful to me, I've never been good at it and I'd rather actually talk about something than "shoot the breeze".

It gets annoying at work sometimes when I'm expected to mingle and "shmooze" during big events while I just want to eat and get back to my room. Not that I don't like crowds. Crowds are fine, unless I have to interact with parts of the crowd. If I need to clear my head, sometimes I'll go to the mall because it's easy to disappear in the crowd and be alone to think. The kids thought I was crazy last year for going to the mall on Christmas Eve for some quiet time.

I'll talk to people if I have something specific to talk about. I'm sure this comes across as being snobby sometimes, but it really isn't. Snobby would be thinking that I'm too good to associate with anyone else in the room, and that's not the case at all. Being an introvert is more about conserving my energy for interactions I find beneficial.  So rather than use up all my energy with small talk, I usually wander around and listen to other conversations, or just watch other interactions (and not in the creepy stalker way either).

Some people compare it to being in a hamster ball, but since I'm a geek I prefer to think of it as having my shields up. Some would rather beam down to the planet and check things out, while I'd rather stay on the ship and observe. Once I've confirmed that the conditions are favorable, then I'll lower the shields and join the landing party.

And here's a tip for all the extroverts out there, it really doesn't help when you poke the shields. You don't need to tell me that I'm being quiet any more than I need to tell you that you aren't. Being quiet isn't a bad thing, honestly.

Yes, I'm an introvert. I am more comfortable in my head than I am in a crowd. I can be alone in a crowded room, but that doesn't mean I'm lonely. I would rather talk about ideas than the weather. I know how to make friends, I just choose to make a few good ones. I find it much easier to write about what I'm thinking than to verbalize it. Sometimes I will "escape" to my phone just long enough to recharge so I can come back and deal with people again, even people that I really like. I don't understand how someone can be screaming mad and then seem perfectly fine only minutes later. I don't feel compelled to answer the phone when it rings, I may not have the energy to talk to the person on the other end. I don't talk to hear the sound of my own voice. If I'm not taking part in a conversation, it's because I feel I don't have anything to contribute.

Anyhow, my secret is out. I know most of you are shocked and didn't see this coming. I probably should've eased into this rather than just blurting it out like that.

Calgary Spartan Race

Like so many other painful exercise experiences, this one started out with Jesse saying, "I know what we should do..." This was back in January and we had so many great ideas of how we were going to get in shape and train. Running, treadmill, cross-country, hills, etc. All of those would've been a great help, if we had actually done any of it.

I actually did run a couple of times in January, which turns out isn't quite often enough to prepare for the Spartan. I kept up on my kettlebell training, and now I know a few areas in my training schedule I need to revise in order to survive the Kalispell Spartan in May.

So, how did the race go? The official results haven't been posted anywhere yet, but I made it out in about 1.5hrs. I should pause to mention my 14-yr-old son completed the hurricane heat in about an hour. Anyhow, it started out fine, I kept up a nice comfortable jog long enough to get out of sight of the spectators then decided that was enough. Up hills, down hills, up more hills, then down again. Here, take this cinder block down the hill then bring it back up again. Now try it with a sandbag, and we found a steeper hill for you.

The rope net bridge wasn't bad, then we came to the monkey bars and the three attendants lied to us and said we were half-way done. Not nice. The trail portions had a lovely view of the Calgary industrial section right off Blackfoot Trail. Very inspirational to see all the back hoes and large machinery.

The over/under/through walls were fun, for me. Barb was cursing me as I stepped over the first one.

The 8' Wall was a challenge. "No, the white side is for the men". Huh?? What white side?? All I see is mud everywhere. Why not just say, "Guys on the right, girls on the left," that'd be easier. The ability to press a 32kg kettlebell did nothing to help me pull my sorry carcass up and over the wall. Thankfully Jesse took pity on me and gave me a boost.

Go over and balance on some 2x4s to make your way through another obstacle. Fortunately my legs are long enough I could straddle across two planks, which made it easier. Get to the tires, flip it over... then flip it back (memo to me: set one of these up in the back yard).

Scaling the wall was pure evil. The foot holds were caked with mud and the hand holds came to what seemed like my waist, but were probably a bit higher. I have to admit I didn't even try on that one. Fortunately I'm tall enough to hit the bell at the end while standing on the ground. I'll do the 30 burpees later.

What started out in the hurricane heat as a nice mini pond was by this point a mud bog. And it smelled like farm mud too. Great, time to do another obstacle with shoes weighing about 50lbs each now thanks to all the accumulated mud.

Barbed wire wasn't bad. Neither was wading through the water afterwards. The A-frame rope climb was challenging due to the lack of traction, but I managed to get over.

Almost done the race? Well, this seems like a great place to put the first water station. Seriously people, look at putting a few more of those in next time.

The vertical rope climb? Umm, no. Not going to happen. Jesse made it look easy. Trevor did awesome in the hurricane heat, but I just didn't have it in me. Add 30 more burpees to my tab. I'm good for it, trust me. I'll totally do those later.

Spear throw went well. DJ gave me some great pointers at our family reunion and I got it on the first try. The fire jump at the end was a joke. I saw photos from the Kalispell Spartan where they had burning logs that everyone had to jump over. In Calgary? A small pipe running off a propane bottle. Really?? It seems like you're just calling this one in.

The Spartan guy with the padded staff was fun. Tristan (my nephew) took his Spartan down during the hurricane heat. I'm not saying he managed to evade the staff. I'm saying he squared off, asked Mr. Spartan if he was ready, then took him to the ground. I opted for a less confrontational approach, but did make the Spartan move out of my way. Next time, I would LOVE to get a bunch of guys together before the finish line and do a proper haka (check YouTube for some NZ All Blacks rugby games) before we charge the Spartans and their little padded Q-tips.

So, for those of you who may be considering a Spartan Race (and I'd recommend you give it a shot at least once), here are some training tips. Don't think of this as advice from an expert, but rather as "I really wish I had done this to get ready."

1. Legs. Work them like there's no tomorrow. Then work them some more. Squats, lunges, jumping squats, jumping lunges, box jumps. I got up to doing 32kg squats and lunges, and probably should've done more sets each time. I tried doing jump squats with a 20kg kettlebell, which was a pretty good workout and would've helped even more had I been consistent with them. Carrying the sandbag down the hill and back up isn't so much about upper body strength as it is about getting your legs to take you back up the hill. the cinder block pull was tough too, but not quite as bad as the sandbags.

2. More running and cardio. I'm curious to see how someone with a very heavy cardio routine would do in the Spartan (and I'm not being a smart alec here). I think there was about 300m of actual flat course, so I'd like to see if all the spin class/body pump/ marathon training would really help. I'm going to try more hill sprints, cross-country running, running/burpee combos (run a lap, do some burpees, run another lap, do more burpees, etc.). It'll help my endurance, plus it might ease my conscience slightly over the outstanding IOU's I have on those 60 burpees. I need to make hills my friend because I hear the Kalispell Sprint has more hills (and is about a mile longer) than the Calgary Sprint.

3. Upper body. Pull-ups are my kryptonite and I need to get better in this area. The wall climb, rope climb, and scaling the wall, would've been easier with more (okay, any) pull-up ability. If you have access to a rope climb, take full advantage of it.

4. Work the core. I'm not sure exactly when I used my abs during the race, but I can sure feel them now. More kettlebell sit-ups are on the menu.

So, there it is. Despite all my grumblings at the time, I did enjoy myself. And I eventually took off the medal too. I seriously contemplated leaving it on... forever. I just turned 40, and this is the first medal I've ever received for anything sports-related. Participation ribbons in Jr. High track don't count. I did something I never thought I could do and I went past what I thought were my limits. Now I'm actually planning to run. I've signed up for the Resolution Run 5K in Lethbridge on New Year's Eve. I'm taking training more seriously. I even started drinking water (anyone who really knows me just gasped in shock).

See you in Kalispell on May 10, 2014!

Time To Get Serious

Okay, so last month I signed up for the Spartan Race in Calgary. What is the Spartan Race? This one is 5km (3 miles) with around 12-15 obstacles. Not the "watch out, this spot of ground is uneven" kind either. Watch the video on the home page for a better idea. You watched the video? You're wondering what breed of insanity possessed me to get me to sign up? I blame Jesse, he made it sound like a good idea. 

So far, I'd have to say my training has been sporadic at best. I can't seem to get my sorry butt on the treadmill to get in some running. And let's be clear here... it's not like I was at one point a diligent runner who is now getting back on the horse. Running and I have never really seen eye to eye. If you see me running, there's a good chance there's a sale on ice cream in the immediate vicinity. Of the 3 miles, right now I can do one lap (1/4 mile) before cursing whoever first decided to start running recreationally. Seriously, what was he thinking?? That's also the point where I start to feel like I'm running in Ronald McDonald shoes and I just hope that when someone eventually finds my body I've managed to fall in a somewhat dignified pose. The reality is more along the lines of the CSI team coming in to see the treadmill was set to 2, then trying to look professional as they laugh themselves to tears. We'll see who's laughing as they try to draw the chalk outline on the treadmill while it's still running... 

The strength training part is easier to get behind. I take my kettlebell with me on the road so I can workout in my hotel room. Truth be told, I spend too much time in the mirror amazed that I can actually see my own triceps (it's still a novelty for me, I'm fairly sure I didn't actually have any until just recently).

There are 16 weeks (and 2 days) left until race day (Aug 17), which means I need to consistently put out some miles on the treadmill each week or they'll be carting my sorry carcass off the course while some poor EMT trainee is trying to figure out how to use the field defibrillators. In his defense, that flatline beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep sound has to be distracting. 

So, my plan is to help push myself a bit by reporting in regularly each week on how many miles I've completed while making sure I keep up with the strength training portion. I do 30 minutes on the treadmill and try to get a bit farther than I did last time (which is about 2 miles) with the intent of working my way up to actually running for the whole 30 minutes. 

Okay, let's be honest. When I say "I do 30 minutes", what I mean is "the two times I've actually used the treadmill since January, I did it for 30 minutes." Right now it's called "Run for 1 minute, walking recovery for 9. Repeat." I think that would make for a very successful fitness program, don't you? Not the kind you'd see in the health club. No, this beauty would be reserved for the late-night infomercials. I figure if people buy into the idea that Zumba will give you chiseled abs and pecs that could deflect bullets, then this will be a huge hit. I just need to find some guy with arms the size of my thighs and 2% body fat to endorse it and I'll be rolling in the royalties.

Strange Conversations

If you've read any of my posts here, you've probably determined I have a very odd sense of humor sometimes. The weirdest things will just hit me as being funny, and the people around me don't seem to find it as amusing as I did. I don't know if I should feel pride or remorse, but it seems I have passed that on to some of my children.

The other night, Terina asked for an example of a prison sentence. I'm not sure what was going on in her mind at the time, but just as I was about to answer I saw the all-to-familiar look on her face of "I should've rephrased that, because now he's going to say something goofy..." 

The first thing that popped into my mind was, "Don't drop the soap." I thought that was better than trying to explain, "Aghhhh, I've been shivved!"

"Daaahhddd, not a sentence you hear in prison..." 

The fact she knew that's where I was going with it gave me a small sense of hope. Now, any time a prison sentence comes up, she starts giggling like a crazy person. My work here is done :)

Facebook Qualification Test

Are you or a family member new to the world of Facebook? Or maybe you’ve been on for a while but haven’t taken the time to really familiarize yourself with the ins and outs of Facebook. To make your life easier, and to keep you from annoying all your Facebook friends, I’ve put together a short test to see if you really should be on Facebook. If I had the power, I’d make this mandatory before anyone could get an account.

Question 1. You see a photo with the caption "Click Like and comment ___ to see what happens!" Do you:

A. Click ‘Like’ and comment ____ (whatever they said to comment) because you can’t wait to see what happens

B. Ignore the photo. You’re not going to fall for that

C. Get your friend/sibling/child to do it from their account so you don’t look stupid.

Unless your answer was “B”, congratulations. You just fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is "never get involved in a land war in Asia", but this one runs a close second. It doesn’t matter if the photo is a cute girl, a house claiming to have ghosts, or a cat with a bad attitude, I can’t emphasize enough that NOTHING is going to happen to the photo. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Rien. Bupkiss. The only thing that happens is everyone on your friends list now knows how gullible you are.  

Question 2. You see a "Share if you [hate cancer/love your mom/ like babies]. Ignore if you like Satan" photo. Do you:

A. Share the photo, but only to a select group of your friends

B. You want everyone to know you [hate cancer/love your mom/ like babies], and you don’t want your friends to think you like Satan, so of course you share the photo.

C. Ignore the photo and keep scrolling.

The correct answer here is C. Way to walk on the wild side! Do everyone a favor and let the photo go away. The same applies for all "Like in 3 seconds" photos. If C was not your answer, all your friends called to say they're going to jump off a cliff and asked if you were coming.

Question 3. You see a link for a free [Costco/Starbucks/Walmart/etc.] $250 gift card. All you have to do is click on the link and share it with your friends.

A. Free money! Sweet! I’m sharing that with everyone I’ve ever met, and then a few extra for good measure!

B. Ignore it. It’s probably fake and I don’t want to take the risk of making my personal information available to anyone smart enough to set up a phony webpage.

C. I’ll just click the link, but I won’t share it with everyone. It’s only fair since no one shared it with me.

You chose B? Congratulations, you’re absolutely right. These links are set up with the sole purpose of  harvesting and selling your personal info. You can also expose your friends, even if they don’t click on it. By giving these sites access to your profile, you also give them access to your friends list. Say it with me, "If it sounds too good to be true, it’s a scam." Think about it for a second. These companies are not charitable organizations. They don’t stay in business by giving away large amounts of free product. How long do you think Costco/Walmart/etc. would stay in business if they were handing out $250 gift cards to anyone who clicked on the link?

Question 4. Oh look, an app which will show you who has visited your profile.

A. I’ve heard about these, they sound a bit fishy. I think I’ll pass on this one.

B. Heck yah! Sign me up for that one! 

C. I’m going to check out a reputable source, such as FaceCrooks, to see what they have to say.

This was a trick question as there are two acceptable answers. C is the preferred answer, but A is also acceptable. If you chose B, your friends are now cursing you for dragging them into yet another scam while gift-wrapping all of your personal information and handing it over to people who want to sell it. Burn this into your memory now, “Facebook does not allow developers to access that information, so anyone claiming to show who is viewing your profile is scamming you.” Write it on your hand, put a sticky note on your monitor, attach electrodes to your temples, jumper cables to your ears… whatever it takes.

Question 5. Sweet! Facebook/Microsoft/Some random organization is going to donate $1 towards cancer research/ puppy rescue/ sheltering battered seals/ for each like on this photo! You:

A. Click “Like” and forward it to everyone on your list because this is so awesome.

B. Not only am I going to click “Like”, I’m going to make 5 other fake Facebook profiles so I can Like it more than once.

C. Change my newsfeed settings to hide the friend who passed this along because social convention frowns upon physically beating them until they realize the error of their ways.

While C may be a little extreme (but not by much), you get the idea. This has been around in one form or another since email was publicly accessible. Those of us old enough to remember being excited about moving from a 486 to the Pentium will remember the “Bill Gates will give you money just for forwarding this email…” It was meadow muffins back then and it’s meadow muffins now.

Question 6. I need to set up a profile photo. Which one should I use?

A. How about a picture of my favorite cartoon character.

B. Can’t go wrong with duck face!

C. A family photo with all my kids/siblings.

While your opinion may differ from mine, I’m a strong believer in A as a profile photo. If cartoons aren’t your thing, maybe a favorite movie character or sports star. “Lemme e’splain. No, there is too much. Lemme sum up…” First of all, there’s no excuse for duck face. None whatsoever. If you’ve even considered it, you should drop your computer, mobile phone, or whatever you’re using to browse the internet into the bathtub right now. There needs to be a Darwinian equivalent to natural selection in cyberspace so the duck face would be weeded out of the gene pool. Second, call me paranoid but I’m just not a big fan of having my photo accessible to everyone with a browser. I’m fine with the photos I can regulate by restricting them to friends only, or even to a select group of friends/family, but I have never used my real photo on my profile.

Question 7. Holy cow! Farmville is the best game ever! I should:

A. Send a game invite to everyone I know, and keep inviting them until they sign up too. They’ll thank me later.

B. None of my friends will join, so I’m going to go to the game’s fan page and ask random strangers to be my friends so I can play with them too.

C. Assume that if my friends wanted to play, they’d already be signed up.

If your answer is C, let me thank you on behalf of all your current and future friends. I would (almost) pay money if Facebook had a “Don’t send me game requests” option in the privacy settings. I must admit I went through a phase where I obsessively invited friends to whichever game I was compulsively playing at the time. I did try to restrict the invites to those I thought would actually play, but I still have moments of wonder and gratitude that more people didn’t unfriend me.

Question 8. Vaguebooking should be:

A. Encouraged!

B. Grounds for immediate Facebook account termination

C. Avoided like the plague dipped in anthrax

If I have to actually tell you C was the correct answer, you're not ready for Facebook. I'd also accept B for full marks. While you may not be familiar with the term ‘vaguebooking’, you recognize it when you see it in action: 

• “I’m so [angry/sad/embarrassed/frustrated] right now!” 
• “I’m not going to do THAT again!” 
• “I can’t tell anyone the news…” 

While your first instinct may be to respond in order to request clarification and further details, you MUST resist the urge. Replying only encourages more vaguebooking. You can't extinguish a behavior while you're rewarding it. Are we clear? Do NOT reply to vaguebook status updates.

Question 9. I saw a post that says I have to post this message as my status to protect my privacy and if I don't, then anyone can use anything I post without my consent... a bunch of legal talk and something about UCC 1-103 1-308. I should:

A. Copy and paste that as my status like there's no tomorrow! I'm not taking any chances.
B. See if any of my other friends are posting before I jump on the bandwagon.
C. Take 2 seconds to type in "UCC 1-103 1-308" into the search at Snopes.com to see if this really works. "Facebook privacy notice" would also be an acceptable search phrase.

I really hope you answered C. If you are sitting there wondering, "What is snopes?" then stop reading this and go spend some time browsing their site. Seriously, you should have it saved in your browser favorites. Remember, when you signed up for Facebook, you agreed to the terms and conditions. No status post can change that or magically make you immune to consequences. In short, if you don't want people to view it or use it, DON'T POST IT!

So, if your total score was less than 9/9, you are not yet ready. May I suggest you spend some time studying on FaceCrooks, or go to Snopes and type "facebook" in the search. Obviously, this isn't a comprehensive list. I can't think of all the ways you could get into trouble on Facebook, but I felt this was a fair representation of several common themes. Even the experienced Facebook users should regularly check their privacy settings, as the "powers that be" like to change things without informing the users. For example, there's a good chance the email address in your profile is a "_____@facebook.com" address, even though that's not the email you entered. Not sure which settings you need to adjust? Here's a link to a comprehensive guide from your friends at FaceCrooks.

Now, don't let me catch you clicking on bogus links/apps or "clicking Like and commenting '2'" on any photos.

It Baffles Me...

I've been seeing these little polls make their way through the facebook ranks for a while, and each time it makes me wonder a few things...

1. How many of the 502,091 people (that's over half a million, for those not good at math) who responded to this even know who Carol Anderson (author of this particular poll) is?? There have been many other similar polls, this was just the most recent.
2. If you don't know her (or the author of the specific poll you're answering), WHY do you respond? It can't be that you want someone who isn't even your friend to keep you on her friends list. Think about it people, you're telling someone you don't know not to unfriend you, which she can't do anyway because you're not even on her list.
3. Do you hope that your current friends will see this and not unfriend you? I can't speak for all your friends, but that's not what goes through my head when I see people respond to these. Is your current relationship with those on your friends list so fragile you feel this will save it? Instead, why not try doing things like, oh... I don't know... contacting them? Post on their wall. Send messages. See how they are doing. 
4. Let's say, for the sake of argument, she was on your friends list. If this is the criteria on which she bases her friends list membership, is it a big loss if she drops you? This is right up there with vaguebooking and the "I'm going to post a self-depreciating status so everyone can tell me how great I am" posts. 
5. 8,191 followers. Seriously?? It's that interesting you want to see how it turns out? "I've never really liked Carol, so I want to see how many of her friends want to stay" You have a pool going at work and you've got $10 riding on "I LIKE TURTLES" to come in the top 5?

So, can we all just agree to let these polls die? Resist the urge to click. Stay strong. When you see them get recycled again, just keep scrolling through your news feed until you find something worth reading.

Boo-Yah!!

Come with me on a brief journey...

March 9, 2011 - Jesse gives me my first kettlebell workout. The intro nearly kills me, but I'm still excited to start.

March 11, 2011 - Praying for death. I tried it on my own with a 16kg bell and ended up with oxygen deprivation (seriously) and wasn't really back up and running for two days afterwards.

Aug 29, 2011 - After a great get-away to Kalispell with Dawn and our dear friends, I'm back in the kettlebell saddle and on a workout program with my very own 12kg bell (26.4lb). Jesse swings around 20kg and 24kg bells like they were made of styrofoam and I'm struggling with the 12kg.

Sep 17, 2011 - I graduate to my nemesis, the 16kg bell. This time we meet as equals.

Fast-forward a little (I don't remember exactly when I got the 20kg bell)... I fall off the wagon for a while, then get back on. Then off... then on again. Which brings us back to the present, and this...

That's right, my brand-new 24kg (52.8lb) bell. Twice as big as the one I started with. Within minutes of bringing it home, I was putting it through its maiden voyage, which is why my arms aren't working very well at the moment... I can't make it look easy like Jesse does, but I can give it a run. I believe milestones should be celebrated, so I celebrated with about 25 minutes of various exercises to see where my new benchmarks were. Monday begins the process of trying to exceed those benchmarks and set new ones.

A couple of weeks ago, two people I trust asked me if I was working out (if I didn't trust them, I would've dismissed their comments). My first thought was, "How scrawny was I before???" I really don't see a difference in myself yet, and believe me, I'm looking. I don't think there's a guy alive who doesn't flex in front of the mirror. I feel different; I'm usually more positive when I'm working out regularly and I feel better physically and mentally. But (to me anyway) I don't look different. 

Anyhow... I think the post-workout sweating has almost stopped (although my arms are still quivering . The good news is I didn't need oxygen after this workout!

Grandpa's Funeral

June 13th was a difficult day for me. I was in Edmonton for the week on business and I found out in the morning that my Grandpa Wynder wasn't doing well and then just after 1:00pm he passed away. Somehow I held it together long enough to get all my work done on Wednesday before I had my break-down on Thursday morning. 

Some of my best memories growing up were of spending time on the farm with Grandpa and Grandma. Who doesn't love getting up at 5:00am to milk cows? I used to think rocks grew on farms, because we kept having to pick them out of the same fields over and over again. Moving the irrigation lines, cleaning out the milk barn... Unlike my cousins who learned how to drive a tractor at 5yrs old, I didn't learn until I was about 15, which spared me from a lot of early morning harvests. My fixation on Chevy "farm trucks" (preferrably blue) can be traced back to time spent with Grandpa. I remember going to see Empire Strikes Back in the theater with Grandpa and Grandma (I don't think they liked it as much as I did), but we did enjoy watching Disney's Robin Hood together.

So, when I was informed I would be doing the Plan of Salvation talk for the funeral, I had mixed emotions. I enjoy public speaking with the right topic, but to have to speak at Grandpa's funeral was a bit nerve-racking. As I prepared, there were a few parts which didn't really click for me, no matter how hard I tried and on Monday morning, I was still wondering how I'd make it work.

Grandpa's brother Curtis was asked to talk about Grandpa's childhood and early years (for 2 minutes). Instead, he spent 17 minutes talking about the plan of salvation. I was crossing whole paragraphs out of my talk as he was giving his and suddenly it made sense why it wasn't coming together for me.

Anyhow, here's the talk as I had prepared it. The parts in red were the parts I had to cross out to avoid being repetitive. 

Let me start out with a disclaimer and some background: I remember when Mike got home from his mission and there was time leftover after he reported in sacrament meeting. The bishop thought it would be a good idea to ask Grandpa to come up and bear his testimony to fill up some of the extra time. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard a shorter testimony. It took longer for him to walk up to the pulpit than it did for him to speak while he was up there. Growing up, I learned that if there was a chance something was going to get emotional, Grandpa kept it short & sweet. I inherited his tendency to get emotional when speaking, so you may have to use your imagination to fill in the gaps if I have to wrap this up abruptly.

I imagine if Grandpa had to give this talk, he’d stand up here and say, “There’s a plan of salvation, and we’ll all be resurrected after we die.” And then he’d sit down again and that would be the end of it. Right now, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

Why do we get talks about the plan of salvation at funerals? I don’t think this is intended to be a time for teaching as much as it is a time for comfort. I don’t expect to say anything new that you haven’t heard before, and hopefully you don’t expect that from me, but I hope we can feel the peace and reassurance which comes from the Spirit.

I tried to think about what were the most comforting aspects to me of the atonement and plan of salvation.

Jesus and Lazarus

The story of Lazarus has been comforting to me, not because Christ demonstrated his power over death but because of the two words found in John 11:35, “Jesus wept.” I can tell you, if in this aspect only, I have been very Christ-like over the last few days. Jesus knew he would raise Lazarus from the dead, but still wept. I don’t know why he did, but it has been in those moments when I have felt the strongest comfort and peace from the Spirit. Maybe he wept as part of the baptismal covenant spoken of by Alma to “mourn with those who mourn.”

Why is the atonement so comforting to us? One of the biggest comforts to me is the knowledge that there is nothing we can experience in this life which Christ hasn't already experienced on our behalf. We may think sometimes that we are alone. President Henry B. Eyring taugh, "It will comfort us when we wait in distress for the Savior's promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help us... He could have known how to succor us by revelation, but He chose to learn by His own personal experience." ("Adversity", April 2009 General Conference)

When you go home, I want you to try an experiment to help understand what Christ voluntarily went through for us. Take a hammer, then use it to hit your thumb as hard as you can. This way, you'll have more sympathy the next time you run into someone who went through the same thing. Then take something heavy and drop it on your foot, you never know when a friend or family member will do that and you want to help them in ways you couldn't without having already experienced it for yourself.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught, “We can confidently cast our cares upon the Lord because, through the agonizing events of Gethsemane and Calvary, atoning Jesus is already familiar with our sins, sicknesses, and sorrows. He can carry them now because He has successfully carried them before!” (“Yet Thou Art There”, October 1987 General Conference)

Part of the atonement which we seem to overlook at times is how Christ "has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows..." (Mosiah 14:4)

Alma taught that Christ "...shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions ... of every kind;...

"... and he will take upon him [our] infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy,... that he may know how to succor his people according to their infirmities." (Alma 7:11-12)

This scripture became more powerful when I learned what the word 'succor' means. It comes from two Latin words: "sub", meaning under, and "courier" meaning a runner. The word succor literally means to come from below to run to someone's aid.

I have a friend who lost her mother and father within a few years of each other. People would come up to her at church and say how they knew what she was going through because they had also lost a parent. While they may have known what it was like for them to lose their mother, they couldn’t know what it was like for her to lose her mother. But Christ knows. It is comforting to know there are no depths I can reach that Christ hasn't already conquered, and he knows perfectly how to comfort me in my trials. He knows what it feels like when I lose a grandfather, not because he lost a grandpa, or knows someone who lost a grandpa, but because he already experienced my pains personally so he would lovingly know what I would need when the time came for me to go through it myself. That is comforting to me beyond my ability to express.

The Aramaic word for atonement also means "a close embrace". This brings to mind Lehi's statement of being "...encircled about ... in the arms of his love." (2 Nephi 1:15) and Mormon writing of being "clasped in the arms of Jesus" (Mormon 5:11).

The Resurrection

There's a scene in the Star Wars movies where young Anakin Skywalker has to say good-bye to his mother. "Will I ever see you again?" he asks. "What does your heart tell you?" she responded. When death separates us from those we love, we never have to ask, "Will we ever see you again?" The Spirit speaks to our hearts a resounding and comforting, "yes!"

Alma taught us, "[Christ] will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people..." (Alma 7:12)

"The soul shall be restored to the body, and the body to the soul;... all things shall be restored to their proper and perfect frame." (Alma 40:23)

I have never met anyone who has been resurrected. I don't even know anyone who has met a resurrected person, but I have had spiritual confirmations of the reality of Christ's resurrection. This is a tremendous comfort to me because it means I will be resurrected. It means my grandparents will be resurrected. It means there will be a day when we will again embrace all those we have lost to death.

The Gospel covenants are a comfort to me. The sealing power of the priesthood has been restored, which means even though death may separate us from our loved ones temporarily, the bonds of family cannot be broken. Grandpa and Grandma were sealed together in the temple and were faithful to their covenants, which means the sealing power binds them to each other and to their children.

Elder Russell M. Nelson taught, "Under God’s great plan of happiness, families can be sealed in temples and be prepared to return to dwell in His holy presence forever. That is eternal life! It fulfills the deepest longings of the human soul—the natural yearning for endless association with beloved members of one’s family. " (2012 April General Conference, Thanks Be to God, Sun. Morning Session -  Russell M. Nelson)

  

Going to Hell… to teach

I spend a lot of time in the car for work, so I often listen to conference talks, BYU devotionals, and other Church-related speakers. One speaker talked about how he was sure his father was in Hell. After a short pause, he added “…teaching those who haven’t heard the gospel yet.”

We read in Section 138 of the Doctrine and Covenants, “…from among the righteous, [the Lord] organized his forces and appointed messengers, clothed with power and authority, and commissioned them to go forth and carry the light of the gospel to them that were in darkness, even to all the spirits of men; and thus was the gospel preached to the dead.

“And the chosen messengers went forth to declare the acceptable day of the Lord and proclaim liberty to the captives who were bound…

“…the faithful elders of this dispensation, when they depart from mortal life, continue their labors in the preaching of the gospel… among those who are in darkness … in the great world of the spirits of the dead.” (D&C 138:30-31, 57)

So, when I say Grandpa is in Hell, I mean it in the best possible way. Brandon posted one of his memories of being Grandpa's home teaching companion and how they went each and every month and how Grandpa was very concerned about the families they visited. Now that he is freed from mortal pains and frailties, I can’t imagine him being any less diligent right now. I can see him and Grandma on another couples mission together, teaching others about the gospel which was so very dear to them. Just imagine getting that mission call, “You are hereby called to serve in the Hell, Spirit Prison mission…” Whew, at least it wasn't Saskatchewan, that was a close one!

So, yes, there is a plan of salvation and we will all be resurrected.

Aunt Vada told me on Sunday night that I wasn't allowed to make anyone cry. I'm happy to say I made it through my talk without tears (I didn't make it through DeVon's or Brandon's talks though), and I don't think I made anyone else cry either. I turned out that most of the talk I prepared was for my own benefit. 

I Don't Always Workout...

I saw this on the interweb and it made me laugh. Partially because I know people like this, but mostly because I could easily be that person. 

I know so many people who actually do work out on a regular basis and have earned the right to post and brag a little. I have cousins and friends who run, on purpose. 5km, 10km, half-marathons, full marathons, triathlons. Some who ride bikes for 50-100km (or more) every day. When they post on Facebook, by golly they've earned it. Me? Umm... "I did 5 minutes of Kettlebells this morning and I'm exhausted." To me, that just seems like one of those "fishing" posts where someone puts up a self-depreciating status so everyone they know can chip in and tell them how wonderful they are.

So, every time I get the urge to let the Facebook community know that I did 4 pull-ups before crying like a little girl, I picture my post showing up right after someone who deserves to post. 

Friend: "Whew, just got in from riding my bike from Magrath to Taber and back. I'm a little tired, but I'll be better after breakfast."

Me: "Eight reps and I can barely move my arms..."

This is why I'll never be on the motivational speaking circuit. So as a favor to everyone, I'll spare you the details and disturbing mental images of my occasional brushes with fitness. It turns out, walking through the exercise room doesn't count as regular physical activity.

Adventures in Ikea

My sister gave me a shopping list (and money to go with it) for a few simple items she wanted from Ikea. Since I would be in Calgary and Edmonton this week (both have large Ikea stores), I figured it wouldn't be a problem. After all, how hard could it be to pick up a chandelier, 4 packs of plastic cups, and a swing? Clearly, it's been a while since my last trip to Ikea.

Remember the scene in Harry Potter where they set up the small tent and everyone goes inside to find a spacious, nearly palatial, setup with multiple rooms? That's what Ikea seems like to me. It might look large on the outside, but it's much bigger on the inside. The only thing worse than trying to assemble Ikea furniture and deciphering the instructions is trying to navigate through the store. Theseus had an easier time finding his way through the Labyrinth at Crete.

I start out on the second floor because I vaguely remember the kids' stuff being up there, somewhere. In retrospect, I should've seen warning signs in the number of bewildered looks from people wandering around against the flow of traffic indicated by the not-so-helpful blue arrows on the floor. I think the staff sit around at the company Christmas party and watch the store security videos to laugh at everyone wandering around lost.

I found the plastic cups relatively quickly, which gave me a false sense of hope. At this rate, I should be out of here in 10-15 minutes, tops. Not so much. This is when they start springing helpful signs like this one...

They should just put up a sign stating, "Now you're really screwed. It doesn't matter which way you go, you'll never again see the natural light of the sun." So, my only options are the showroom, or the showroom tour. Fan-frikkin-tastic. I guess I'll go to the showroom

Those bedroom displays they have set up? They aren't showcases, they are rest stops assembled by frantic shoppers trying desperately to survive after being stranded for days. They're like the emergency stations on the way up to Everest. I think one of the displays had "Donner party was here" carved into the wooden side-table

Hmm, there's the restaurant again, which means I'm going in circles. Oh look, the helpful and easy-to-follow store guide...

So I still have to find a swing and a chandelier. There's no point in asking staff for directions. The only Swedish I know was gleaned from watching the Swedish Chef, which is less helpful than you might think ("Weer de hellen es der wayen ooten?").

Feeling fairly confident these items aren't on the 2nd floor, I finally found stairs down to the main level where I eventually stumbled across the lighting section and found the specified chandelier. Two down, one to go. More wandering, some crying about possibly never seeing my family again, and a short bout of hysteria later, I found the bulk furniture section, which means I've been through the whole store and haven't found the swings yet. Crap-tastic.

Do you know what they installed before you get to the checkouts? Touch-screen terminals where you can search the catalog and the computer will tell you where the item is located. Do you know where this sort of information would be helpful? At the FRIKKIN ENTRANCE!! Turns out, the swings are in the kids' section, which means I have to go back upstairs. Oh, joy.

So, back through the fire swamp, past the lightning sand, and just after the flame spurts there is the kids' section. Where are the swings? On the wall beside the stupid plastic cups. I was going to use my phone to send a photo to my sister to see if this was the kind she wanted, but there's no signal. If you see a group of women gathered around in Ikea, there's probably a really good deal on something. If you see a group of men gathered together, there's a strong possibility they've found a small hole in the store's shielding where they can get faint signals on their smartphones. "If we only had a Heisenberg compensator, we could remodulate the phone frequency to intermittently fluctuate the signal in order to bypass the dampening field from the shield generators."

So, if by some miracle this gets uploaded, it means I must've found enough of a signal to contact the outside world again. Tell my family I love them and I miss them terribly. I'd ask for someone to come find me, but I don't want anyone else to be lost on my account...

A Small Serving...

...of crow.

It all started when I saw the video from Jon Schmidt and Steven Sharp Nelson posted on facebook. I've said it before, I'm a sucker for a good piano, and this is some good piano with excellent cello accompaniment. And then when Jon's daughter Sarah comes out and sings at the end... wow, let the melting begin.

I didn't know this was a Faith Hill song. I've never seen the Grinch movie, and you may not have noticed from previous posts, but I don't spend a lot of time on the country music stations. It might have been sleep deprivation which contributed to my decision to look up the Faith Hill version, or it may have been morbid curiosity. I'm not quite sure. I don't spend a lot of time looking up country music on YouTube either...

So, it is with no small amount of reluctance I am compelled to admit that is a good song. At the same time, I'm going on record to say it bears very little resemblance to country music, so I may get to have a little gravy along with my side of crow (everything is better with gravy). The instrumental version was moving by itself, but Faith's vocals and the lyrics really did it for me. It met all my criteria: good voice (check), non-objectionable lyrics (check), moving music &/or message (check, and check), complete absence of warbling or twang (check).

Don't get too excited though, I'm not ready to consider the possibility that there may be other country songs worth hearing...

A(nother) Pet Peeve

Let me start off with a song written and performed by Bowser and Blue:

Yup, that pretty much sums it up... It's Christmas, not Xmas. It wasn't a mas and then you broke up with it. It really cooks my goose when I see people doing it who know better. Are you lazy? Or just afraid to call it Christmas? Facebook doesn't charge by the letter, you have the room to spell the whole word... Just sayin'

Good Times

I got to spend my week in La Crete helping set up the computer systems for the new Subway opening up on Monday. Monday consisted of a flight from Lethbridge to Calgary to Grande Prairie, and then a 7hr+ drive north to La Crete. I came within 190km of the Northwest Territories. That's as far north as I've ever been, or ever wanted to be, in my life. North is not usually my friend. North is cold. I don't like cold. I like south. Arizona is south. Florida is south. California is south. South is my friend.

Let's put this into a little perspective for those who may not be familiar with the geography...

The purple line represents the drive from Grande Prairie to La Crete. It turns out there are flights from Edmonton to High Level, but the $800+ ticket wasn't in my travel budget. And yes, I do have the Lego Store marked on my Google Earth map.

I was lulled into a sense of false security on Monday, as the weather was 2-5C above zero all the way up, which was warmer than the weather at home. The drive up was rather uneventful, fortunately. It wasn't until High Level that I saw a deer crossing the highway... in the middle of town. The weather dropped to the -25c to -30c range on Tuesday and stayed there until I left early Friday morning.

Add to that three fun filled days of fighting with computer systems which were supposed to have been updated before they were shipped to the restaurant (sadly, not so much). I guess it was a good thing I spent all day, every day working on the computers because there wasn't really anything else to do in town.

I left early Friday morning with so I could get to Grande Prairie for my 4:20pm flight and have time for pit stops, meals, poor driving conditions etc. It was all going well until I got to High Level.

"This is where the fun begins..."

I was making pretty good time when I got to High Level. I had a two and a half hour buffer, which I felt would be enough to handle most scenarios. About 5km south of town, there was a small line forming on the highway for what looked like an accident up ahead (I couldn't see because of the large trucks in front). Three emergency vehicles went by, and so did about 45 minutes. No problem, I still had over an hour. And then one of the highway trucks with the orange flashers started working his way down the line telling everyone it would be about 5-6 hours before the accident would be cleared up. Now that becomes a problem.

This is the ONLY highway going south from High Level, which seems like a glaring design flaw if you ask me. The "highway guy" told me to go back to High Level, take the highway going east, then go down to Red Earth and come across to Grande Prairie that way. My Garmin didn't want to let me do that, so I went to the Shell station to look at a map. Ummm... turns out Red Earth is a 5hr drive, and Grande Prairie is another 5hrs from there, which means there's no way of making my flight in 8hrs. To rub lemon juice in the paper cut, while I'm standing there looking at the map, the accident was announced over the local radio telling everyone to avoid the highway and there was no detour. Awesome sauce with a side of fries.

I went out to the car, pulled out my laptop, used my mobile internet stick, rebooked my flights for Saturday and informed Budget I wouldn't have their car back until Saturday morning. Then I waited. And waited. High Level is not a fun place to be stranded for four hours. If you've seen the movie "Trapped in Paradise", first of all I apologize profusely, no one should have to site through that (I still feel bad all these years later for taking a girl to see that movie). Anyhow, Paradise is a larger town than High Level with more to do.

I had lunch at 11:00, and did the sudoku puzzle on the back of the "Muskeg Buzz" out of sheer boredom. I drove up the highway at noon to see if they had made progress. Nope, still turning people away. So, back to town... I went back to check at 1:00. Nope, still not cleared.

Wait a minute! The same guy who told me to go to Red Earth is now escorting vehicles onto a side road. I followed the procession down a gravel road, hoping desperately he isn't going home for lunch. The convoy turned onto a small one-lane dirt road which led in behind a loading yard for trains, over the hill, through the woods, and onto the highway on the other side of the accident. Son of a beached whale! All this time and a quick 10 minute detour would've had me back on my way and home in time for bed. Curse you Dodge Avenger for not having a dash-mounted laser!

Speaking of the Dodge Avenger, I have to say, not my favorite car. If you rev the engine, you can watch the gas gauge go down. It has a combined highway/city mileage rating of 22MPG. Crap on a stick, our V8 Suburban does better than that. And that's what the car is rated, not what it actually gets... And to make things even more fun, because it's a rental, it receives all the loving maintenance of a bludgeoned seal. The girl at the rental desk said "You won't need snow tires, the roads are all clear." Thanks Dead-end Job Barbie, you can guarantee the road conditions between here and the NWT for the week??

I stopped at a gas station for some travel munchies on the way up on Monday and the "Oil change required" light came on when I started the engine again. That little light on the dash looks nothing like an oil can. It looks like a gravy boat. "Why yes, come to think of it, I could use some gravy. Thank you, thoughtful car, for reminding me."

Awesome Idea!

One of the families in our ward gave this to us yesterday and I thought it was a great idea...

Due to the photo quality, you probably can't tell right away what it is. It's an Advent Candle. How cool is that? Every day you burn the candle down to the next line and wait again for the next day. I like this idea a lot better than the candy advent calendars, and not just because I have pyromaniacal tendencies. I may have to try this with a bigger candle  :)

'Tis the Season...

A friend on facebook posted this video and I had to pass it along. When you see stories like this, it tends to renew your faith in "peace on earth, good will towards men"...

What's more shocking? The fact she pepper sprayed roughly 20 other shoppers to get an XBox 360 for half-price? Or that other customers were so focused on getting the same deal, this woman managed to take one, pay for it at the register, and leave the store without being apprehended? When she got home, did she include the part about spraying other customers when she tells everyone what a great deal she got? Little Dudley can proudly tell his friends, "My mum sprayed 20 people to get this for me."

When the wisemen brought their gifts to Mary and the young Jesus, I'm sure this isn't what they had in mind as an end result of the tradition they started. 

Some of My Favorites

It's time to put up some of my favorite Christmas songs. I'm not going to put them in any specific order because it's hard for me to quantify things I really like. It's like asking me to decide between my favorite foods...

Were You There - Jon Schmidt 

I'm a Jon Schmidt fan. I'm a sucker for a good piano arrangement, and when you add great vocals I'm hooked. The first time I heard this song was in Grade 11 when our seminary class went carolling to a senior's center and a few of the girls sang this (being 16 at the time, I only really remember one of them, but I'm sure there were others with her). I want my Christmas music to move me, and this song does it every time.

Far, Far Away on Judea's Plains

I remember being in the car with the family, I'm not sure if we were just driving around to look at Christmas lights or just happened to be singing Christmas songs at the time, but I remember wanting to sing this one.

O Holy Night

Josh Groban singing O Holy Night, can't go wrong there...

I have other favorites, but I keep getting sidetracked on YouTube. Maybe I'll post a follow-up if I manage to find more without being distracted...

My Top 10 Least Favorite Christmas Songs

I figure if the Christmas tree is up already, it must be safe to do a Christmas post. I got in trouble last year for not having a Christmas post, so this year I'll do a couple extra to make up for it. I'm going to start with my Top 10 absolute least favorite "Christmas" songs of all time. Let me first start off with a disclaimer; there is probably a better-than-even chance I'll end up listing one or more of your favorites, so as delicately as I can say it, I extend to you a heart-felt "Get over it!"

Every year I dread the Christmas productions, school plays, etc. because the music really annoys me. And for the record, putting the word "Christmas" into the lyrics doesn't necessarily make it a Christmas song. I submit George Michael's "Last Christmas" (and all subsequent covers/remixes) as Exhibit A.

10. Anything, and I do mean anything, by Dolly & Kenny

Granted, I'm not a country music fan to begin with, but they could be singing Handel's Messiah and it would still make me want to stick my head in the oven and crank it up. The warbling, the country twang (which is SO endearing at the best of times)... it's just too much for me.

9. The Twelve Days of Christmas

For a song which so repeatedly mentions Christmas, this one really has nothing to do with it. I side with The Oxford Dictionary of Nursery Rhymes on this one when they wrote, "that the[se] lines survive today... [is] an irreligious travesty."

8. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

It started out as a country song, so right away loses points in my book.

7. Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Or, "The Stalker Song". Encouraging children to behave because an old man can see them when they sleep or while they're awake. In today's society, that's borderline pedophilia.

6. Jingle Bells

Do you know why this traditional Christmas song has no mention of Christmas at all in any of its five verses? Because it was originally written for Thanksgiving. A minister named James Pierpoint wrote the song in 1857 for the children in his Boston Sunday School's Thanksgiving celebration. Let's give this one back to Thanksgiving, shall we? Granted, it has as much to do with Thanksgiving as it does with Christmas.

5. Jingle Bell Rock

This one is even more annoying. Is it any wonder why the spirit and meaning of Christmas is being lost when so many of the songs associated with the holiday actually have nothing to do with it??

4. Deck the Halls

At least this one hints around Christmas by mentioning the Yule tide carols and season. Aside from the fleeting reference, it seems devoid of any other redeeming qualities.

3. Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer

An American advertising executive wrote a poem for the department store Santa to give away to kids in the mid- to late 1940's. It turned out to be a big success and was later put to music and recorded by Gene Autry. It mentions Christmas Eve, but somehow singing about a picked-on mutant reindeer doesn't put me in the Christmas spirit.

2. Frosty the Snowman

I challenge anyone to tell me why this should be a Christmas song. Go ahead... I dare you. This one was actually written after the success of Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, trying to cash in on some of Rudolf's popularity. Sadly, it worked and now we have intentionally commercialized "Christmas" songs which have nothing to do with Christmas.

1. Winter Wonderland

This one probably bugs me the most, as it combines my hatred of winter with my contempt for non-Christmas Christmas songs. Why is it even considered a Christmas song? It talks about snow, building snowmen, and freezing your nose. What does that have to do with Christmas?! Freezing my nose (or anything else) doesn't put me in the Christmas spirit. I'd be ecstatic with the opportunity to celebrate Christmas in a warmer climate.

You're Kidding, Right?

I checked into the hotel at about 10:30 last night and there was a new guy at the desk. I must admit I've been a bit spoiled being recognized as I walk in and having the check-in half done before I even get to the desk. I even had to show my photo ID this time... Why do you care? You probably don't, but if I don't set the stage then what happened when I called the front desk this morning won't have the same impact...

Me: "Can you please send down an ironing board?"

New Guy: "Certainly, I'll send one right away." and he hangs up, I think it's settled and return to my morning routine (mostly email, with a little Facebook thrown in). Had this been the usual front desk staff, the story would've ended here. But no...

45 seconds later, New Guy calls back, "Did you check in the closet?"

Me: "Did I what??"

NG: "Did you check in the closet for the ironing board?" I heard you the first time, I just wanted to make sure you really thought I was that dumb.

Me: "Yes. I checked in the closet for the ironing board." This isn't my first trip to the circus, Skippy. I've stayed in my fair share of hotel rooms. Know what they ALL have had in common so far? The frikkin ironing board has been in the frikkin closet! Now I'm curious to know where you think I was looking. If Rhys had been looking, the ironing board could've been in the middle of the room wearing a pink tutu doing Lord of the Dance and he would've missed it. Granted, I can't always find what Dawn sends me into the pantry to retrieve, but I am very confident in my ability to find an ironing board in a hotel room.

When he came to the door with the ironing board, he was trying to inconspicuously scan the room to see if I had already found the elusive board which should've already been in my room. He's lucky I didn't smack him with the board he dropped off...