Get Outta the Line!!

I have come to the conclusion that there should be a mandatory skills/competency test for anyone who wants to use the self-serve checkouts at Wal-Mart. I'm not talking vector calculus or organic chemistry, just a simple English comprehension test with possibly some basic reasoning and problem solving thrown in. If you don't pass the test, not only do you not get to use the self-serve lane, but you also have to wear the cool pointed white hat.

Really people, how hard can it be? Take the item, scan it, put it in the bagging area, move to next item. Not rocket science. But apparently this simple process manages to elude the grasp of most of the people who were ahead of me in the line this evening.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I invariably select the longest line. It may look shorter, but something always happens and mine takes longer. Someone has to find a coupon, an item doesn't scan properly, the clerk has to call for a price check because the customer picked the one item in the whole store that doesn't have a price tag or a bar code. Tonight was no exception. There were two check-outs which were actually functioning (the others had lovely hand-written signs indicating they were out of order). The first was being used by two women, the odds should be good that two people could figure out the complex system required to successfully scan their purchases. However, this was not the case. They would scan an item, then put it directly into their cart. Then they tried to scan the next item, but the system wouldn't let them because it didn't sense anything in the bagging area. The poor staff member who drew the short straw and was assigned to monitor the self-serve area had to come over and explain it to them, again.

While that is going on, there was a lady using the second checkout. She would reach into her cart and pull out one vegetable and place it on the scale. Then she'd have to follow the on-screen prompts to select which type of produce etc. I'm not sure exactly what goes on the screen as I don't take produce through the self-checkouts, but judging from the puzzled looks and the amount of times she had to touch the screen for her single tomato, the computer was asking her to find the value of X using the quadratic equation. Once that one was done, she'd reach back into her cart and pull out a single cucumber and go through the process again.

I have learned that since the car accident, my stupidity tolerance has gone way down below my normal levels (and it was so high to begin with). This is not good, especially when I'm standing in line with my two items. I decided to cut my losses and go down to the express checkout. I'd have to say this had mixed results. Sure, the line was shorter and was moving along nicely... until the lady in front of me went to pay for her purchase

with a frikkin cheque!!!

Seriously, who still uses cheques?!? And she was one of those who doesn't move from the register until she has entered the amount in her cheque register and balanced her account. Oh wait, it gets better... she waited until she was done balancing her books and doing her taxes before giving the clerk her requisite two pieces of ID. By this time my eye is twitching, veins are protruding from my forehead, "accidents" are being plotted...

The clerk waved to me to come forward, I'm sure he was trying to pressure Senora Speedy into moving faster. As he scanned in my two items, she stepped back in, nearly pushing me aside, saying she needs to find her wallet. How can you lose your wallet/cheque book in the thirty seconds between getting your receipt and taking two steps?!

"Oh, here it is in my bag."

That loud snap you just heard was the sound of my self-restraint breaking under the strain of rampant stupidity. I pulled out my debit card while she was still standing there, hoping desperately that she'd wonder what the strange thing was and maybe look into getting one for herself.

As I walked out, I passed the self-serve checkouts and for once I had made the right choice in bailing out into the other line. She reached into her cart and placed one lemon on the scale...

That's a First

Anyone who has ever been to a fast food restaurant knows that up-selling is just part of the process. "Would you like fries with that?" "Would you like to make that a meal today?" Sometimes it's annoying, but many times it works and the customer ends up spending more money (good for the restaurant) and receives more of what they want (good for the customer).

I was in Chicago last week for the Subway convention. After surviving the taxi ride from the airport (I swear our driver was Satan's personal chauffeur. No depth perception whatsoever, every time he changed lanes someone was honking at him for cutting them off, pedestrians must've offended him somehow because he kept trying to hit them, I was sending texts to Dawn "tell kids I <3 them"...), I wasn't really in the mood to drive anywhere again so I decided to walk around the hotel. There was a Subway restaurant just down the block a little ways, so I went in for supper (they keep advertising things that we can't get up in Canada). The service was very good and friendly, and when I got to the till, I grabbed the large cup to go with my sandwich.

Let me jump in with a little behind the scenes here. As a consultant for Subway, I have become probably one of the worst customers on the planet because I know what the staff should be doing (even when I go into other restaurants, I'm always pointing out things that need to be fixed...). Anyhow, I was mentally making notes as they made my sandwich. Hmm, they didn't ask if I wanted double meat or bacon... When I got closer to the till, I was anticipating "Would you like to add chips or cookies and a drink to make it a meal?" (or something along those lines). So when I grabbed the large cup, I naturally expected a question about chips or cookies. Instead, the girl at the till just asked if I wanted the meal (not the best, but better than nothing I guess). I said yes and grabbed a bag of chips to save her the effort of asking. Then, for the first time ever in my life, she tried to "down-sell" me.

"This is the cup that comes with the meal," she said, pointing to the medium.

"I know, but I want a large." We don't have 44oz cups at home, so this was somewhat of a novelty for me. And really, the 21oz just isn't going to cut it. It's so hot outside, the metal chairs are starting to look like something out of the Salvador Dali painting where all the watches are melting. I'm only getting this cup because you don't have anything larger and I'm pretty sure you'd frown on me drinking right from the fountain.

"But this one is cheaper." I'm having flashbacks to the Futurama episode where Fry is ordering Slurm at the movie theater and the guy behind the counter tells him, "for 25 cents less, you can downsize to the extra small..."

"That's okay, I'll pay the difference." I know there's a button on their till for substituting a large drink for a medium, and if there isn't, I could seriously walk her through the steps of making one...

She had a really puzzled look on her face as she rang it through and gave me my change back. It's not like I was asking her to cut off her own finger, I was just trying to spend more money for something I wanted.

I've worked with many staff who are a bit nervous about asking the suggestive selling questions out of the fear they may offend the customer. Let me tell you, I'd rather have someone ask me to add things to my order than try to talk me out of something I've already ordered.

South of the Border

We went down to Kalispell with our friends, the Salmons, for a couple of days this week. On our way down, we stopped at the Alberta museum in West Glacier. I got a kick out of the T-Rex holding the Canada flag...

While in Kalispell, we found an awesome restaurant called HuHot.

This place puts Mongolie Grill to shame. It is the same concept, but instead of charging you by the weight of your meal, you pay a flat rate and get to go back as many times as you want. For $12 ($8.50 at lunch), you take your bowl, fill it with whatever meat, noodles, and vegetables you want, add your own sauces, then watch the cooks grill it. Pretty cool, especially considering one bowl cost me about $20 at Mongolie Grill (and it was a small bowl too). I've seen $30 bowls too. I went back three times in one visit. If you don't live in a state that has a HuHot yet, it could be worth relocating...

I should stop going to pet stores, they rub on me the wrong way. Don't get me wrong, I love animals. The Petco had lots of cool geckos, lizards, snakes, etc. It's the people aspect that drives me nuts. People who treat their pets like children should be spayed or neutered themselves to prevent passing on their genes. Granted, there are people who are doing the world a favor by having pets instead of children, but I digress. There was a display of car magnets by the checkout, most of which I could respect. The usual "I love dogs" or "I love my cat"... but this one?!?

Grandogs?!? By Hades' armpits, who came up with this one?! Congratulations, you've taken pet parenting to a whole new depth of stupidity! So, either your child(ren) have dogs that you count as grandkids, or you have dogs who had puppies and you kept those as well because you could sooner give away your own child than one of the puppies. Either way, it's not looking good for you. The first option is probably the most depressing as you have already passed on the stupidity gene to the next generation...

These?

You've got to know I'll have issues with this... Edible greeting/birthday cards for your dog. You know Lassie can't read, right? Right? What am I saying... If you're dumb enough to have purchased a card for your dog, you probably read it to him. Oh look Mr. Muffins, it says "Just bePaws I love you". Isn't that sweet? Not only do dogs not read, they don't get the subtleties of the English language and a play on words. Also, do you give him birthday cards every year, or are you a diehard who follows the 7:1 dog year ratio and give wondermutt a card every 52 days?

I thought this was good too. This little gem is on the front doors at TJ Maxx. This could be a contributing factor to the decline in the American economy. I don't want to come across as overly negative here, but let's face it, this was not your brightest moment. I wanted to watch for a while to see how many confused customers stood at the door debating on whether they could in fact enter or not, but then I realized those who can read, don't. I'd be curious to know how many people (including staff) actually noticed this...

My New Nemesis

So it turns out my brain isn't bouncing back as quickly as I'd like. My concentration isn't anywhere near what it used to be. For example, the other day I went upstairs to get the flashlight so I could do some work in a poorly lit area of the basement. Got up to the kitchen and couldn't remember what I was looking for. Went back downstairs. Hmm, it's dark over here, I was going to get the flashlight. Back upstairs... crap, what was I looking for again? Back downstairs, oh yeah, the flashlight. Back upstairs (need the flashlight, need the flashlight...), flashlight is in the bedroom. Whew...

Let me introduce you to my new nemesis...

That's right... Simon, and all the variations on the theme. I just picked up the Disney/Pixar Cars game for the DS. One of the mini-games is watching the pattern of blinking lights and then repeating it. it starts with a few 3-light sequences, then 4 lights, and I'm toast at 5 lights. I had to get Trevor to do the level for me so the game would let me continue.

I know I used to be able to do these, because the Clone Wars DS game has a similar mini-game (but with blinking planets), and I was able to do an 8-item sequence. As a side note, how bad is it that my base-line comparison involves various DS mini-games? I do a little better on the real Simon because it uses the same pattern and builds on it (eg. A, AB, ABC, ABCD,...) where the DS games are random sequences (eg. A, CA, ADB, DCBA, etc...). On the 5-item sequence, I can't hold on to the first (or sometimes the second) item long enough to repeat it back.

I keep telling myself that the doc says I shouldn't be alarmed and I need to give myself time to recover fully. If I'm not getting better by about 8 weeks post-accident, then he says we'll talk about the next step. So, I guess I'll try playing the game again in early August to see if there has been any improvement...

Worst-case scenario, what's so bad about not being able to play Simon? Well, if I understand it correctly, it means my working (or short-term) memory isn't running on all thrusters. A normal person can handle seven items. Without improvement, this means I can't hold onto a phone number long enough to use it. And phone numbers typically require a high degree of accuracy. You can't miss one or two numbers and still get the person you intended to call.

This might just be me over-reacting because I have a couple years of university psychology, but it's still very frustrating...