Time To Get Serious

Okay, so last month I signed up for the Spartan Race in Calgary. What is the Spartan Race? This one is 5km (3 miles) with around 12-15 obstacles. Not the "watch out, this spot of ground is uneven" kind either. Watch the video on the home page for a better idea. You watched the video? You're wondering what breed of insanity possessed me to get me to sign up? I blame Jesse, he made it sound like a good idea. 

So far, I'd have to say my training has been sporadic at best. I can't seem to get my sorry butt on the treadmill to get in some running. And let's be clear here... it's not like I was at one point a diligent runner who is now getting back on the horse. Running and I have never really seen eye to eye. If you see me running, there's a good chance there's a sale on ice cream in the immediate vicinity. Of the 3 miles, right now I can do one lap (1/4 mile) before cursing whoever first decided to start running recreationally. Seriously, what was he thinking?? That's also the point where I start to feel like I'm running in Ronald McDonald shoes and I just hope that when someone eventually finds my body I've managed to fall in a somewhat dignified pose. The reality is more along the lines of the CSI team coming in to see the treadmill was set to 2, then trying to look professional as they laugh themselves to tears. We'll see who's laughing as they try to draw the chalk outline on the treadmill while it's still running... 

The strength training part is easier to get behind. I take my kettlebell with me on the road so I can workout in my hotel room. Truth be told, I spend too much time in the mirror amazed that I can actually see my own triceps (it's still a novelty for me, I'm fairly sure I didn't actually have any until just recently).

There are 16 weeks (and 2 days) left until race day (Aug 17), which means I need to consistently put out some miles on the treadmill each week or they'll be carting my sorry carcass off the course while some poor EMT trainee is trying to figure out how to use the field defibrillators. In his defense, that flatline beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep sound has to be distracting. 

So, my plan is to help push myself a bit by reporting in regularly each week on how many miles I've completed while making sure I keep up with the strength training portion. I do 30 minutes on the treadmill and try to get a bit farther than I did last time (which is about 2 miles) with the intent of working my way up to actually running for the whole 30 minutes. 

Okay, let's be honest. When I say "I do 30 minutes", what I mean is "the two times I've actually used the treadmill since January, I did it for 30 minutes." Right now it's called "Run for 1 minute, walking recovery for 9. Repeat." I think that would make for a very successful fitness program, don't you? Not the kind you'd see in the health club. No, this beauty would be reserved for the late-night infomercials. I figure if people buy into the idea that Zumba will give you chiseled abs and pecs that could deflect bullets, then this will be a huge hit. I just need to find some guy with arms the size of my thighs and 2% body fat to endorse it and I'll be rolling in the royalties.

Strange Conversations

If you've read any of my posts here, you've probably determined I have a very odd sense of humor sometimes. The weirdest things will just hit me as being funny, and the people around me don't seem to find it as amusing as I did. I don't know if I should feel pride or remorse, but it seems I have passed that on to some of my children.

The other night, Terina asked for an example of a prison sentence. I'm not sure what was going on in her mind at the time, but just as I was about to answer I saw the all-to-familiar look on her face of "I should've rephrased that, because now he's going to say something goofy..." 

The first thing that popped into my mind was, "Don't drop the soap." I thought that was better than trying to explain, "Aghhhh, I've been shivved!"

"Daaahhddd, not a sentence you hear in prison..." 

The fact she knew that's where I was going with it gave me a small sense of hope. Now, any time a prison sentence comes up, she starts giggling like a crazy person. My work here is done :)

Facebook Qualification Test

Are you or a family member new to the world of Facebook? Or maybe you’ve been on for a while but haven’t taken the time to really familiarize yourself with the ins and outs of Facebook. To make your life easier, and to keep you from annoying all your Facebook friends, I’ve put together a short test to see if you really should be on Facebook. If I had the power, I’d make this mandatory before anyone could get an account.

Question 1. You see a photo with the caption "Click Like and comment ___ to see what happens!" Do you:

A. Click ‘Like’ and comment ____ (whatever they said to comment) because you can’t wait to see what happens

B. Ignore the photo. You’re not going to fall for that

C. Get your friend/sibling/child to do it from their account so you don’t look stupid.

Unless your answer was “B”, congratulations. You just fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is "never get involved in a land war in Asia", but this one runs a close second. It doesn’t matter if the photo is a cute girl, a house claiming to have ghosts, or a cat with a bad attitude, I can’t emphasize enough that NOTHING is going to happen to the photo. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Rien. Bupkiss. The only thing that happens is everyone on your friends list now knows how gullible you are.  

Question 2. You see a "Share if you [hate cancer/love your mom/ like babies]. Ignore if you like Satan" photo. Do you:

A. Share the photo, but only to a select group of your friends

B. You want everyone to know you [hate cancer/love your mom/ like babies], and you don’t want your friends to think you like Satan, so of course you share the photo.

C. Ignore the photo and keep scrolling.

The correct answer here is C. Way to walk on the wild side! Do everyone a favor and let the photo go away. The same applies for all "Like in 3 seconds" photos. If C was not your answer, all your friends called to say they're going to jump off a cliff and asked if you were coming.

Question 3. You see a link for a free [Costco/Starbucks/Walmart/etc.] $250 gift card. All you have to do is click on the link and share it with your friends.

A. Free money! Sweet! I’m sharing that with everyone I’ve ever met, and then a few extra for good measure!

B. Ignore it. It’s probably fake and I don’t want to take the risk of making my personal information available to anyone smart enough to set up a phony webpage.

C. I’ll just click the link, but I won’t share it with everyone. It’s only fair since no one shared it with me.

You chose B? Congratulations, you’re absolutely right. These links are set up with the sole purpose of  harvesting and selling your personal info. You can also expose your friends, even if they don’t click on it. By giving these sites access to your profile, you also give them access to your friends list. Say it with me, "If it sounds too good to be true, it’s a scam." Think about it for a second. These companies are not charitable organizations. They don’t stay in business by giving away large amounts of free product. How long do you think Costco/Walmart/etc. would stay in business if they were handing out $250 gift cards to anyone who clicked on the link?

Question 4. Oh look, an app which will show you who has visited your profile.

A. I’ve heard about these, they sound a bit fishy. I think I’ll pass on this one.

B. Heck yah! Sign me up for that one! 

C. I’m going to check out a reputable source, such as FaceCrooks, to see what they have to say.

This was a trick question as there are two acceptable answers. C is the preferred answer, but A is also acceptable. If you chose B, your friends are now cursing you for dragging them into yet another scam while gift-wrapping all of your personal information and handing it over to people who want to sell it. Burn this into your memory now, “Facebook does not allow developers to access that information, so anyone claiming to show who is viewing your profile is scamming you.” Write it on your hand, put a sticky note on your monitor, attach electrodes to your temples, jumper cables to your ears… whatever it takes.

Question 5. Sweet! Facebook/Microsoft/Some random organization is going to donate $1 towards cancer research/ puppy rescue/ sheltering battered seals/ for each like on this photo! You:

A. Click “Like” and forward it to everyone on your list because this is so awesome.

B. Not only am I going to click “Like”, I’m going to make 5 other fake Facebook profiles so I can Like it more than once.

C. Change my newsfeed settings to hide the friend who passed this along because social convention frowns upon physically beating them until they realize the error of their ways.

While C may be a little extreme (but not by much), you get the idea. This has been around in one form or another since email was publicly accessible. Those of us old enough to remember being excited about moving from a 486 to the Pentium will remember the “Bill Gates will give you money just for forwarding this email…” It was meadow muffins back then and it’s meadow muffins now.

Question 6. I need to set up a profile photo. Which one should I use?

A. How about a picture of my favorite cartoon character.

B. Can’t go wrong with duck face!

C. A family photo with all my kids/siblings.

While your opinion may differ from mine, I’m a strong believer in A as a profile photo. If cartoons aren’t your thing, maybe a favorite movie character or sports star. “Lemme e’splain. No, there is too much. Lemme sum up…” First of all, there’s no excuse for duck face. None whatsoever. If you’ve even considered it, you should drop your computer, mobile phone, or whatever you’re using to browse the internet into the bathtub right now. There needs to be a Darwinian equivalent to natural selection in cyberspace so the duck face would be weeded out of the gene pool. Second, call me paranoid but I’m just not a big fan of having my photo accessible to everyone with a browser. I’m fine with the photos I can regulate by restricting them to friends only, or even to a select group of friends/family, but I have never used my real photo on my profile.

Question 7. Holy cow! Farmville is the best game ever! I should:

A. Send a game invite to everyone I know, and keep inviting them until they sign up too. They’ll thank me later.

B. None of my friends will join, so I’m going to go to the game’s fan page and ask random strangers to be my friends so I can play with them too.

C. Assume that if my friends wanted to play, they’d already be signed up.

If your answer is C, let me thank you on behalf of all your current and future friends. I would (almost) pay money if Facebook had a “Don’t send me game requests” option in the privacy settings. I must admit I went through a phase where I obsessively invited friends to whichever game I was compulsively playing at the time. I did try to restrict the invites to those I thought would actually play, but I still have moments of wonder and gratitude that more people didn’t unfriend me.

Question 8. Vaguebooking should be:

A. Encouraged!

B. Grounds for immediate Facebook account termination

C. Avoided like the plague dipped in anthrax

If I have to actually tell you C was the correct answer, you're not ready for Facebook. I'd also accept B for full marks. While you may not be familiar with the term ‘vaguebooking’, you recognize it when you see it in action: 

• “I’m so [angry/sad/embarrassed/frustrated] right now!” 
• “I’m not going to do THAT again!” 
• “I can’t tell anyone the news…” 

While your first instinct may be to respond in order to request clarification and further details, you MUST resist the urge. Replying only encourages more vaguebooking. You can't extinguish a behavior while you're rewarding it. Are we clear? Do NOT reply to vaguebook status updates.

Question 9. I saw a post that says I have to post this message as my status to protect my privacy and if I don't, then anyone can use anything I post without my consent... a bunch of legal talk and something about UCC 1-103 1-308. I should:

A. Copy and paste that as my status like there's no tomorrow! I'm not taking any chances.
B. See if any of my other friends are posting before I jump on the bandwagon.
C. Take 2 seconds to type in "UCC 1-103 1-308" into the search at Snopes.com to see if this really works. "Facebook privacy notice" would also be an acceptable search phrase.

I really hope you answered C. If you are sitting there wondering, "What is snopes?" then stop reading this and go spend some time browsing their site. Seriously, you should have it saved in your browser favorites. Remember, when you signed up for Facebook, you agreed to the terms and conditions. No status post can change that or magically make you immune to consequences. In short, if you don't want people to view it or use it, DON'T POST IT!

So, if your total score was less than 9/9, you are not yet ready. May I suggest you spend some time studying on FaceCrooks, or go to Snopes and type "facebook" in the search. Obviously, this isn't a comprehensive list. I can't think of all the ways you could get into trouble on Facebook, but I felt this was a fair representation of several common themes. Even the experienced Facebook users should regularly check their privacy settings, as the "powers that be" like to change things without informing the users. For example, there's a good chance the email address in your profile is a "_____@facebook.com" address, even though that's not the email you entered. Not sure which settings you need to adjust? Here's a link to a comprehensive guide from your friends at FaceCrooks.

Now, don't let me catch you clicking on bogus links/apps or "clicking Like and commenting '2'" on any photos.

It Baffles Me...

I've been seeing these little polls make their way through the facebook ranks for a while, and each time it makes me wonder a few things...

1. How many of the 502,091 people (that's over half a million, for those not good at math) who responded to this even know who Carol Anderson (author of this particular poll) is?? There have been many other similar polls, this was just the most recent.
2. If you don't know her (or the author of the specific poll you're answering), WHY do you respond? It can't be that you want someone who isn't even your friend to keep you on her friends list. Think about it people, you're telling someone you don't know not to unfriend you, which she can't do anyway because you're not even on her list.
3. Do you hope that your current friends will see this and not unfriend you? I can't speak for all your friends, but that's not what goes through my head when I see people respond to these. Is your current relationship with those on your friends list so fragile you feel this will save it? Instead, why not try doing things like, oh... I don't know... contacting them? Post on their wall. Send messages. See how they are doing. 
4. Let's say, for the sake of argument, she was on your friends list. If this is the criteria on which she bases her friends list membership, is it a big loss if she drops you? This is right up there with vaguebooking and the "I'm going to post a self-depreciating status so everyone can tell me how great I am" posts. 
5. 8,191 followers. Seriously?? It's that interesting you want to see how it turns out? "I've never really liked Carol, so I want to see how many of her friends want to stay" You have a pool going at work and you've got $10 riding on "I LIKE TURTLES" to come in the top 5?

So, can we all just agree to let these polls die? Resist the urge to click. Stay strong. When you see them get recycled again, just keep scrolling through your news feed until you find something worth reading.

Boo-Yah!!

Come with me on a brief journey...

March 9, 2011 - Jesse gives me my first kettlebell workout. The intro nearly kills me, but I'm still excited to start.

March 11, 2011 - Praying for death. I tried it on my own with a 16kg bell and ended up with oxygen deprivation (seriously) and wasn't really back up and running for two days afterwards.

Aug 29, 2011 - After a great get-away to Kalispell with Dawn and our dear friends, I'm back in the kettlebell saddle and on a workout program with my very own 12kg bell (26.4lb). Jesse swings around 20kg and 24kg bells like they were made of styrofoam and I'm struggling with the 12kg.

Sep 17, 2011 - I graduate to my nemesis, the 16kg bell. This time we meet as equals.

Fast-forward a little (I don't remember exactly when I got the 20kg bell)... I fall off the wagon for a while, then get back on. Then off... then on again. Which brings us back to the present, and this...

That's right, my brand-new 24kg (52.8lb) bell. Twice as big as the one I started with. Within minutes of bringing it home, I was putting it through its maiden voyage, which is why my arms aren't working very well at the moment... I can't make it look easy like Jesse does, but I can give it a run. I believe milestones should be celebrated, so I celebrated with about 25 minutes of various exercises to see where my new benchmarks were. Monday begins the process of trying to exceed those benchmarks and set new ones.

A couple of weeks ago, two people I trust asked me if I was working out (if I didn't trust them, I would've dismissed their comments). My first thought was, "How scrawny was I before???" I really don't see a difference in myself yet, and believe me, I'm looking. I don't think there's a guy alive who doesn't flex in front of the mirror. I feel different; I'm usually more positive when I'm working out regularly and I feel better physically and mentally. But (to me anyway) I don't look different. 

Anyhow... I think the post-workout sweating has almost stopped (although my arms are still quivering . The good news is I didn't need oxygen after this workout!

Grandpa's Funeral

June 13th was a difficult day for me. I was in Edmonton for the week on business and I found out in the morning that my Grandpa Wynder wasn't doing well and then just after 1:00pm he passed away. Somehow I held it together long enough to get all my work done on Wednesday before I had my break-down on Thursday morning. 

Some of my best memories growing up were of spending time on the farm with Grandpa and Grandma. Who doesn't love getting up at 5:00am to milk cows? I used to think rocks grew on farms, because we kept having to pick them out of the same fields over and over again. Moving the irrigation lines, cleaning out the milk barn... Unlike my cousins who learned how to drive a tractor at 5yrs old, I didn't learn until I was about 15, which spared me from a lot of early morning harvests. My fixation on Chevy "farm trucks" (preferrably blue) can be traced back to time spent with Grandpa. I remember going to see Empire Strikes Back in the theater with Grandpa and Grandma (I don't think they liked it as much as I did), but we did enjoy watching Disney's Robin Hood together.

So, when I was informed I would be doing the Plan of Salvation talk for the funeral, I had mixed emotions. I enjoy public speaking with the right topic, but to have to speak at Grandpa's funeral was a bit nerve-racking. As I prepared, there were a few parts which didn't really click for me, no matter how hard I tried and on Monday morning, I was still wondering how I'd make it work.

Grandpa's brother Curtis was asked to talk about Grandpa's childhood and early years (for 2 minutes). Instead, he spent 17 minutes talking about the plan of salvation. I was crossing whole paragraphs out of my talk as he was giving his and suddenly it made sense why it wasn't coming together for me.

Anyhow, here's the talk as I had prepared it. The parts in red were the parts I had to cross out to avoid being repetitive. 

Let me start out with a disclaimer and some background: I remember when Mike got home from his mission and there was time leftover after he reported in sacrament meeting. The bishop thought it would be a good idea to ask Grandpa to come up and bear his testimony to fill up some of the extra time. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard a shorter testimony. It took longer for him to walk up to the pulpit than it did for him to speak while he was up there. Growing up, I learned that if there was a chance something was going to get emotional, Grandpa kept it short & sweet. I inherited his tendency to get emotional when speaking, so you may have to use your imagination to fill in the gaps if I have to wrap this up abruptly.

I imagine if Grandpa had to give this talk, he’d stand up here and say, “There’s a plan of salvation, and we’ll all be resurrected after we die.” And then he’d sit down again and that would be the end of it. Right now, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

Why do we get talks about the plan of salvation at funerals? I don’t think this is intended to be a time for teaching as much as it is a time for comfort. I don’t expect to say anything new that you haven’t heard before, and hopefully you don’t expect that from me, but I hope we can feel the peace and reassurance which comes from the Spirit.

I tried to think about what were the most comforting aspects to me of the atonement and plan of salvation.

Jesus and Lazarus

The story of Lazarus has been comforting to me, not because Christ demonstrated his power over death but because of the two words found in John 11:35, “Jesus wept.” I can tell you, if in this aspect only, I have been very Christ-like over the last few days. Jesus knew he would raise Lazarus from the dead, but still wept. I don’t know why he did, but it has been in those moments when I have felt the strongest comfort and peace from the Spirit. Maybe he wept as part of the baptismal covenant spoken of by Alma to “mourn with those who mourn.”

Why is the atonement so comforting to us? One of the biggest comforts to me is the knowledge that there is nothing we can experience in this life which Christ hasn't already experienced on our behalf. We may think sometimes that we are alone. President Henry B. Eyring taugh, "It will comfort us when we wait in distress for the Savior's promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help us... He could have known how to succor us by revelation, but He chose to learn by His own personal experience." ("Adversity", April 2009 General Conference)

When you go home, I want you to try an experiment to help understand what Christ voluntarily went through for us. Take a hammer, then use it to hit your thumb as hard as you can. This way, you'll have more sympathy the next time you run into someone who went through the same thing. Then take something heavy and drop it on your foot, you never know when a friend or family member will do that and you want to help them in ways you couldn't without having already experienced it for yourself.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell taught, “We can confidently cast our cares upon the Lord because, through the agonizing events of Gethsemane and Calvary, atoning Jesus is already familiar with our sins, sicknesses, and sorrows. He can carry them now because He has successfully carried them before!” (“Yet Thou Art There”, October 1987 General Conference)

Part of the atonement which we seem to overlook at times is how Christ "has borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows..." (Mosiah 14:4)

Alma taught that Christ "...shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions ... of every kind;...

"... and he will take upon him [our] infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy,... that he may know how to succor his people according to their infirmities." (Alma 7:11-12)

This scripture became more powerful when I learned what the word 'succor' means. It comes from two Latin words: "sub", meaning under, and "courier" meaning a runner. The word succor literally means to come from below to run to someone's aid.

I have a friend who lost her mother and father within a few years of each other. People would come up to her at church and say how they knew what she was going through because they had also lost a parent. While they may have known what it was like for them to lose their mother, they couldn’t know what it was like for her to lose her mother. But Christ knows. It is comforting to know there are no depths I can reach that Christ hasn't already conquered, and he knows perfectly how to comfort me in my trials. He knows what it feels like when I lose a grandfather, not because he lost a grandpa, or knows someone who lost a grandpa, but because he already experienced my pains personally so he would lovingly know what I would need when the time came for me to go through it myself. That is comforting to me beyond my ability to express.

The Aramaic word for atonement also means "a close embrace". This brings to mind Lehi's statement of being "...encircled about ... in the arms of his love." (2 Nephi 1:15) and Mormon writing of being "clasped in the arms of Jesus" (Mormon 5:11).

The Resurrection

There's a scene in the Star Wars movies where young Anakin Skywalker has to say good-bye to his mother. "Will I ever see you again?" he asks. "What does your heart tell you?" she responded. When death separates us from those we love, we never have to ask, "Will we ever see you again?" The Spirit speaks to our hearts a resounding and comforting, "yes!"

Alma taught us, "[Christ] will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people..." (Alma 7:12)

"The soul shall be restored to the body, and the body to the soul;... all things shall be restored to their proper and perfect frame." (Alma 40:23)

I have never met anyone who has been resurrected. I don't even know anyone who has met a resurrected person, but I have had spiritual confirmations of the reality of Christ's resurrection. This is a tremendous comfort to me because it means I will be resurrected. It means my grandparents will be resurrected. It means there will be a day when we will again embrace all those we have lost to death.

The Gospel covenants are a comfort to me. The sealing power of the priesthood has been restored, which means even though death may separate us from our loved ones temporarily, the bonds of family cannot be broken. Grandpa and Grandma were sealed together in the temple and were faithful to their covenants, which means the sealing power binds them to each other and to their children.

Elder Russell M. Nelson taught, "Under God’s great plan of happiness, families can be sealed in temples and be prepared to return to dwell in His holy presence forever. That is eternal life! It fulfills the deepest longings of the human soul—the natural yearning for endless association with beloved members of one’s family. " (2012 April General Conference, Thanks Be to God, Sun. Morning Session -  Russell M. Nelson)

  

Going to Hell… to teach

I spend a lot of time in the car for work, so I often listen to conference talks, BYU devotionals, and other Church-related speakers. One speaker talked about how he was sure his father was in Hell. After a short pause, he added “…teaching those who haven’t heard the gospel yet.”

We read in Section 138 of the Doctrine and Covenants, “…from among the righteous, [the Lord] organized his forces and appointed messengers, clothed with power and authority, and commissioned them to go forth and carry the light of the gospel to them that were in darkness, even to all the spirits of men; and thus was the gospel preached to the dead.

“And the chosen messengers went forth to declare the acceptable day of the Lord and proclaim liberty to the captives who were bound…

“…the faithful elders of this dispensation, when they depart from mortal life, continue their labors in the preaching of the gospel… among those who are in darkness … in the great world of the spirits of the dead.” (D&C 138:30-31, 57)

So, when I say Grandpa is in Hell, I mean it in the best possible way. Brandon posted one of his memories of being Grandpa's home teaching companion and how they went each and every month and how Grandpa was very concerned about the families they visited. Now that he is freed from mortal pains and frailties, I can’t imagine him being any less diligent right now. I can see him and Grandma on another couples mission together, teaching others about the gospel which was so very dear to them. Just imagine getting that mission call, “You are hereby called to serve in the Hell, Spirit Prison mission…” Whew, at least it wasn't Saskatchewan, that was a close one!

So, yes, there is a plan of salvation and we will all be resurrected.

Aunt Vada told me on Sunday night that I wasn't allowed to make anyone cry. I'm happy to say I made it through my talk without tears (I didn't make it through DeVon's or Brandon's talks though), and I don't think I made anyone else cry either. I turned out that most of the talk I prepared was for my own benefit. 

I Don't Always Workout...

I saw this on the interweb and it made me laugh. Partially because I know people like this, but mostly because I could easily be that person. 

I know so many people who actually do work out on a regular basis and have earned the right to post and brag a little. I have cousins and friends who run, on purpose. 5km, 10km, half-marathons, full marathons, triathlons. Some who ride bikes for 50-100km (or more) every day. When they post on Facebook, by golly they've earned it. Me? Umm... "I did 5 minutes of Kettlebells this morning and I'm exhausted." To me, that just seems like one of those "fishing" posts where someone puts up a self-depreciating status so everyone they know can chip in and tell them how wonderful they are.

So, every time I get the urge to let the Facebook community know that I did 4 pull-ups before crying like a little girl, I picture my post showing up right after someone who deserves to post. 

Friend: "Whew, just got in from riding my bike from Magrath to Taber and back. I'm a little tired, but I'll be better after breakfast."

Me: "Eight reps and I can barely move my arms..."

This is why I'll never be on the motivational speaking circuit. So as a favor to everyone, I'll spare you the details and disturbing mental images of my occasional brushes with fitness. It turns out, walking through the exercise room doesn't count as regular physical activity.