Are you or a family member new to the world of Facebook? Or maybe you’ve been on for a while but haven’t taken the time to really familiarize yourself with the ins and outs of Facebook. To make your life easier, and to keep you from annoying all your Facebook friends, I’ve put together a short test to see if you really should be on Facebook. If I had the power, I’d make this mandatory before anyone could get an account.
Question 1. You see a photo with the caption "Click Like and comment ___ to see what happens!" Do you:
A. Click ‘Like’ and comment ____ (whatever they said to comment) because you can’t wait to see what happens
B. Ignore the photo. You’re not going to fall for that
C. Get your friend/sibling/child to do it from their account so you don’t look stupid.
Unless your answer was “B”, congratulations. You just fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is "never get involved in a land war in Asia", but this one runs a close second. It doesn’t matter if the photo is a cute girl, a house claiming to have ghosts, or a cat with a bad attitude, I can’t emphasize enough that NOTHING is going to happen to the photo. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Rien. Bupkiss. The only thing that happens is everyone on your friends list now knows how gullible you are.
Question 2. You see a "Share if you [hate cancer/love your mom/ like babies]. Ignore if you like Satan" photo. Do you:
A. Share the photo, but only to a select group of your friends
B. You want everyone to know you [hate cancer/love your mom/ like babies], and you don’t want your friends to think you like Satan, so of course you share the photo.
C. Ignore the photo and keep scrolling.
The correct answer here is C. Way to walk on the wild side! Do everyone a favor and let the photo go away. The same applies for all "Like in 3 seconds" photos. If C was not your answer, all your friends called to say they're going to jump off a cliff and asked if you were coming.
Question 3. You see a link for a free [Costco/Starbucks/Walmart/etc.] $250 gift card. All you have to do is click on the link and share it with your friends.
A. Free money! Sweet! I’m sharing that with everyone I’ve ever met, and then a few extra for good measure!
B. Ignore it. It’s probably fake and I don’t want to take the risk of making my personal information available to anyone smart enough to set up a phony webpage.
C. I’ll just click the link, but I won’t share it with everyone. It’s only fair since no one shared it with me.
You chose B? Congratulations, you’re absolutely right. These links are set up with the sole purpose of harvesting and selling your personal info. You can also expose your friends, even if they don’t click on it. By giving these sites access to your profile, you also give them access to your friends list. Say it with me, "If it sounds too good to be true, it’s a scam." Think about it for a second. These companies are not charitable organizations. They don’t stay in business by giving away large amounts of free product. How long do you think Costco/Walmart/etc. would stay in business if they were handing out $250 gift cards to anyone who clicked on the link?
Question 4. Oh look, an app which will show you who has visited your profile.
A. I’ve heard about these, they sound a bit fishy. I think I’ll pass on this one.
B. Heck yah! Sign me up for that one!
C. I’m going to check out a reputable source, such as FaceCrooks, to see what they have to say.
This was a trick question as there are two acceptable answers. C is the preferred answer, but A is also acceptable. If you chose B, your friends are now cursing you for dragging them into yet another scam while gift-wrapping all of your personal information and handing it over to people who want to sell it. Burn this into your memory now, “Facebook does not allow developers to access that information, so anyone claiming to show who is viewing your profile is scamming you.” Write it on your hand, put a sticky note on your monitor, attach electrodes to your temples, jumper cables to your ears… whatever it takes.
Question 5. Sweet! Facebook/Microsoft/Some random organization is going to donate $1 towards cancer research/ puppy rescue/ sheltering battered seals/ for each like on this photo! You:
A. Click “Like” and forward it to everyone on your list because this is so awesome.
B. Not only am I going to click “Like”, I’m going to make 5 other fake Facebook profiles so I can Like it more than once.
C. Change my newsfeed settings to hide the friend who passed this along because social convention frowns upon physically beating them until they realize the error of their ways.
While C may be a little extreme (but not by much), you get the idea. This has been around in one form or another since email was publicly accessible. Those of us old enough to remember being excited about moving from a 486 to the Pentium will remember the “Bill Gates will give you money just for forwarding this email…” It was meadow muffins back then and it’s meadow muffins now.
Question 6. I need to set up a profile photo. Which one should I use?
A. How about a picture of my favorite cartoon character.
B. Can’t go wrong with duck face!
C. A family photo with all my kids/siblings.
While your opinion may differ from mine, I’m a strong believer in A as a profile photo. If cartoons aren’t your thing, maybe a favorite movie character or sports star. “Lemme e’splain. No, there is too much. Lemme sum up…” First of all, there’s no excuse for duck face. None whatsoever. If you’ve even considered it, you should drop your computer, mobile phone, or whatever you’re using to browse the internet into the bathtub right now. There needs to be a Darwinian equivalent to natural selection in cyberspace so the duck face would be weeded out of the gene pool. Second, call me paranoid but I’m just not a big fan of having my photo accessible to everyone with a browser. I’m fine with the photos I can regulate by restricting them to friends only, or even to a select group of friends/family, but I have never used my real photo on my profile.
Question 7. Holy cow! Farmville is the best game ever! I should:
A. Send a game invite to everyone I know, and keep inviting them until they sign up too. They’ll thank me later.
B. None of my friends will join, so I’m going to go to the game’s fan page and ask random strangers to be my friends so I can play with them too.
C. Assume that if my friends wanted to play, they’d already be signed up.
If your answer is C, let me thank you on behalf of all your current and future friends. I would (almost) pay money if Facebook had a “Don’t send me game requests” option in the privacy settings. I must admit I went through a phase where I obsessively invited friends to whichever game I was compulsively playing at the time. I did try to restrict the invites to those I thought would actually play, but I still have moments of wonder and gratitude that more people didn’t unfriend me.
Question 8. Vaguebooking should be:
A. Encouraged!
B. Grounds for immediate Facebook account termination
C. Avoided like the plague dipped in anthrax
If I have to actually tell you C was the correct answer, you're not ready for Facebook. I'd also accept B for full marks. While you may not be familiar with the term ‘vaguebooking’, you recognize it when you see it in action:
- “I’m so [angry/sad/embarrassed/frustrated] right now!”
- “I’m not going to do THAT again!”
- “I can’t tell anyone the news…”
A. Copy and paste that as my status like there's no tomorrow! I'm not taking any chances.
B. See if any of my other friends are posting before I jump on the bandwagon.
C. Take 2 seconds to type in "UCC 1-103 1-308" into the search at Snopes.com to see if this really works. "Facebook privacy notice" would also be an acceptable search phrase.
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