Once Every 15 Years...

...is apparently BAD when you're talking about visits to the dentist. I figured the whole "every six months" rule was just so the dentists could have more job security, but apparently there might be some wisdom behind it.

I was sure he'd either burst out into hysterical laughter or just come in with a pair of pliers and start pulling out my teeth after checking my x-rays. Fortunately, I dodged a bullet this time and only need 3 small-to-medium fillings. I want to take a moment to reassure my dentist friends (especially Chris) that I am a changed man. I already have a tentative appointment booked for May '10, I'm a new convert to the 6-month interval schedule. If for no other reason than to avoid the cleaning process.

I have a theory that the cleaning guy is ex-covert ops who specialized in interrogation and information extraction. I don't know why they even bother saying, "let me know if this hurts" because short of morse code and charades, I was trying to communicate that fact to him any way I could. I'm not a fan of that scraping sound to begin with, but I can still handle the routine cleaning. But I'm pretty sure when the little hook thingy gets snagged on a tooth, the answer is not to pull harder. I'm sure he was bracing his knee against the counter for extra leverage so he could get more force behind him. I just about handed him the arm rests from the padded chair (which is not designed for people taller than ewoks). It felt like he was trying to remove my tooth with his cleaning hook. I kept trying to tell him I didn't have any information worth killing me for, but it just came out as 'ahghhghghghhaaahhghgh'... I felt like Han Solo in Empire Strikes Back when the stormtroopers brought him back to his cell after torturing him. "He didn't even ask me any questions..."

Then, if the physical trauma wasn't enough, he went for the guilt and said it was a good thing his next appointment cancelled so he could get everything done in one sitting. I get it, come in more often, point taken.

Now a question for my friends in the dental profession (Chris, Raph, Paul, Jon... ). What is it about having your patient's mouth stuffed full of dental instruments and your fingers that makes you want to carry on a conversation? Seriously, I can see the standard yes/no questions which could be answered by a simple head nod or "blink once for yes, twice for no", but I really don't think I'm in a position to comment on current events or whatever story is on CNN at the time. Unless you give me a text-to-speech keyboard, I'm just not going to be able to keep up my half of the conversation.

And what's the point of putting a TV screen in the ceiling if your head is right there the whole time?

When it was done, he sent me up to the reception desk and they gave me a toothbrush and the bill. I wanted to ask how much it would be without the toothbrush...

Curbing the Addiction

As I drove up to Calgary this morning, I began to realize just how much time I've been wasting online with various facebook games. To be clear, I'm not talking about "there's 15 minutes of my life I'll never get back". No, it was more along the lines of creating Excel spreadsheets to calculate the return on investment for crops planted or upgrades purchased, etc. I even had a spreadsheet that could tell me if the progress meter showed 86% complete on a 6hr crop/ride/upgrade, that meant I have roughly 50 minutes before I have to come back and harvest/build/whatever for the next step. And there's always a next step. Or I could type in 67% on a 4hr project and it would tell me I have 1.32 hours remaining. You get the idea... There was also the time on the farm game where I found out how to overlap the fields and essentially triple the production output.

As I looked back, I saw some common elements between my "addiction-of-the-month" applications. First, they don't have any defined ends to the game. You continue to level up, seemingly without any upper limits. Second, you have to recruit a specific number of friends in order to unlock certain aspects of the game in increasing intervals. Third, when none of your friends want to sign up, you can always go into the discussion forums and post your link to the "Add Me" thread so complete strangers can add you as a facebook friend, allowing you to sign up under each other's group. Fourth, there are always incentives to come back to the game on a frequent and regular basis. I know people who set the alarm on their watch so they would know when to be back home in time to harvest their virtual crops on a farming game... While I never set alarms to remind me my game was ready, I did use Dawn's account to sign up under my character to help me advance in more than one game.

I freely admit my addiction, the most recent being Roller Coaster Kingdom, where you get to design your own amusement park. As you earn more experience points, you unlock new rides and attractions. You also book tours in advance, which bring more visitors to your park, which in turn earns more money and experience. I found myself staying at the computer in the evenings so I could book the tours with the 8hr lead time. That way, when I get up in the morning I'll have new visitors waiting to get into my park (if they wait too long in the parking lot without being admitted, they go away angry and you lose the money you paid to book them). I only had to befriend 18 total strangers in order to have enough neighbors to unlock park expansions and rides.

There was also a medieval adventure game where you complete quests, battle monsters and dragons, etc. When I deleted that one this morning, I had 53 members in my army. Not bad, but I only actually knew about 6 of them. My facebook games purge also resulted in removing about 60 "friends" I had either recruited or accepted from discussion forums. Before that was a futuristic pirate game, another medieval-themed game, a variation of the Sims, and the list goes on to embarrassing lengths.

Now that I've taken out all the games, I have to admit I'm going through application withdrawal. It was routine to log in and do my regular maintenance on the various games, and then check them again after 15 minutes... and again... and again...

I'm hoping to fill the void with actual productive activities. Books to read, personal development time, maybe even come out of the office periodically to see the rest of the house. Baby steps...

Stupid Time Change

I want to know what it is about children that keeps them from sleeping in when they have the opportunity. On school days, it takes the jaws of life and a defibrilator to get them out of bed and moving in the mornings. On weekends, they're up before 6:00 watching TV, which apparently they can't do quietly either.

"I don't want to watch that!"
"Sit down! I can't see the TV!"
"...you get the BEST OF BOTH WORLDS..."

It's not like the good old days when the best cartoons were on Saturday morning. No, they're getting up to watch reruns they've already seen repeatedly (it's a bad sign when I can tell an episode of Hannah Montana, Zoey 101, Zach & Cody, etc. is a rerun).

I don't think I've ever been able to cash in on this fabled "extra hour of sleep" people associate with the time change. I thought for sure after dragging their sorry hides trick-or-treating last night, having to carry two of them in from the van because they were so tired, then forcing them to stay awake while we do rushed showers, they would naturally want to get more sleep. Apparently, that's what I get for doing my own thinking. I heard them up and wandering around at 5:00, then at 5:30 I finally got up to threaten them with bodily harm and sale to wandering gypsies if they couldn't manage to be quiet. There's something about getting up to beat on the children that makes it difficult for me to go back to sleep...

Stupid Tech Support

On Sunday morning I found out I had a problem with my router, so I called the Telus tech support line. "Due to a higher than normal call volume, your wait time is expected to be... Thirty... Five... minutes" (if you are always on hold for at least 30 minutes, wouldn't that be a normal call volume?). I was about ready to strangle someone. Not because I was on hold for so long, but because of their stupid recurring message announcement. Every 3-4 minutes some lady's voice comes on to say I could avoid long hold times by checking out the tech support section on the Telus website. I really believe this is the sort of idiocy that pushes otherwise normal people into becoming serial killers. If I could connect to the internet to review the tech support materials you have so conveniently posted online, I wouldn't be calling!! Telus is the flaming service provider, people don't call the tech support line just to chat with the friendly customer service agent on the other end. We phone because we can't get onto the internet.

It didn't help my frustration level when Joe Helpful starts talking to me like I've never seen a computer before (I shouldn't complain too loudly, at least he spoke English). Let me tell you what I've done so far, Sparky. I used the command prompt in Windows to release and renew my IP address, didn't work. I unplugged the router and connected the computer straight to an old DSL modem and the internet works. Unfortunately I have three other computers in the house which need the internet as well.

Einstein has me turn off the router for about 30 seconds, then turn it back on to see if that works. Nope.

Then the genius tells me that it must be a problem with my computer. I remind him if that were the case, the other 3 computers connected to the router wouldn't be having the same problem.

I have to check the status board to see if there are any problems on this end. It should only take 15 minutes, and I'll phone you back.

Thirty minutes later...

Hmmm, we'll have to send you out a new modem.

I have an extra one right here, and I STILL get the same problem. So, either you sent me two defective modems (in retrospect, not that far out of the realm of possibility... this is Telus after all) or the problem might be on your end somewhere.

If the new one doesn't work, we'll have to send out a technician.

Oh good, it's not like I need the internet at all. I only live about 2.5 hours away from my office and need use the internet to connect to the shared office network, not to mention all the business email. You'll have to forgive me if I'm not overly thrilled about being down for "3-4 open business days".

And they wonder why I get cranky when Telus calls to see if I want to subscribe to digital TV. I have an idea, why don't you get your phone/internet departments working properly before you start branching out into other areas... just throwing it out there.

Resume Do's and Don'ts

Due to some very stressful circumstances at work, I am in the process of hiring another staff member. This has been a very interesting experience so far. This isn't the first time I've had to go through the selection process, but for some reason this time around seems to be more involved.

Anyhow, I thought I'd give some quick pointers to people out there who may be looking for a job. Think of this as an opportunity to learn from the stupidity of others. Remember, all these examples are from resume submissions I have received over the course of the last week and have not been embelished. I'll leave out the names to protect the clueless...

1. When you email your resume to your potential employer, don't broadcast it to five different employers at the same time. Ideally, the resume you prepare for a consulting job would be different than one intended for a hospital position, or one in city administration. If you're too lazy to send five individual emails, I'm too lazy to read your resume. Delete.

2. When you email your resume, try to use a common format, such as MS Word, .RTF, or even HTML. Pick something as close to universal as you can find. If your potential employer replies asking for a specific format, don't just resend the attachment in the original format. I can tell that it still won't open. I have to fire staff who can't follow directions, so I am not likely to hire someone who lacks that ability from the onset. Don't think of it as me hitting the delete button, think of it as being pre-emptively fired.

3. For the love of all things pure and holy, do not send your prospective employer one of those "pass-along" emails. You know the ones... you're the 40th person to receive the email, the email is 27 pages long because no one knows how to trim out all the accumulating headers and to just forward the actual content, everyone's email addresses are listed just waiting to be harvested for spam... I'm going to delete it and take my chances that my luck is going to go bad within the next 15 minutes. I'm just crazy that way. Your resume will "accidentally" get deleted with it. Not sure how that works, but it does.

4. Know the position for which you are applying. If you send me a cover letter stating you're perfectly suited for the medical receptionist position, I'm not going to take you seriously for the position of Business Consultant. I suppose I should thank you for saving me the time of actually reading your resume.... Delete.

5. Read the details of the job posting. When it says travel is required, don't ask me if it would be possible to stay in-town so you can watch your child(ren). When it says this is a full-time position, don't tell me you're only available in the evenings because you are in school full-time. Delete. Delete. Delete...

**Added Oct 7** 6. When the posting says travel is required, don't ask if that means during the winter as well. This is Alberta, Princess. Chances are quite high that you'll be driving in snow for most of the year, deal with it. Delete.

Anyhow, we'll see if the actual interview process fairs any better than the resume submissions. On the bright side, a trained chimpanzee would do a better job than the staff I've had to fire...

What's the Number for the Fashion Police??

One of my hobbies is taking photos of people. Stupid people mostly. Unfortunately, most of them are work-related, so I can't share them with the world in general (although they are usually fun at staff meetings). It's too bad, because there have been some real doosies...

I think one of the more serious plights in our society, which often goes overlooked, is the startling lack of full-length mirrors. People of all ages seem to suffer the same affliction. Without a full-length mirror, how are people supposed to know that they look like their wardrobe was arranged by a seeing eye dog? Sure, Lassie does a great job letting you know little Timmy is stuck in the well or that terrorists are conspiring to kidnap the boyscout troop, but I wouldn't let her pick out my clothes.

Anyhow, I took this photo while waiting in the security line at the airport on Friday morning. Try to imagine for a second the thought process that must have taken place... She pulls out two or three different outfits, spends five or ten minutes deliberating on which one she really wants to wear, and this is what she decided on...


REALLY?!? How bad were the ones she decided not to wear?? I've made no secret of the fact I'm not on any best-dressed lists anywhere, but I don't recall a time when any of these components were in style. She looks like Richard Simmons got in a fight with RuPaul. I should be careful because someone could read this and get offended because they have the same outfit in their closet too. If this is the case, I apologize. Just let me know where I can send you your full-length mirror...

Back off, Sparky!

As I was packing for my Edmonton trip this week, I noticed that my work pants had a small hole in the seat. I'm not sure how long it has been there, but apparently I spend a lot of time parked on my tushie because I lose more pants that way. I thought about reinforcing the butt of all my pants, but the stitching would probably look tacky...

Anyhow, back to the story. I had to buy another pair of pants when I got to Edmonton and stopped in at Moore's. Don't worry, I had another pair to wear during this transition phase. I walked in, avoided eye contact with all the salespeople, walked straight over to the pants wall, quickly scanned for the 36x36's, and had already a pair in my hands before Captain Commission came over.

"Need a hand with anything?"

"Nope, I've got it already." I showed him the pants I was holding, hoping he'd go away. No such luck.

"Need to try them on?"

I'm standing two feet away from the changing booths, I think I could find my way over in a pinch. "No, they're the same size as the ones I'm wearing now."

"Well, I guess you don't need me." chuckle, chuckle...

That was the general idea I've been trying to convey. Memo to me: 'work on being less subtle.' He started walking away, freedom at last! But he was just taking a breather for round 2.

"We have some fall jackets on sale."

Ummm, congratulations? I'm trying desperately to find the 'off' switch for my social filter, but to no avail. Fall jackets, seriously??

"The outer shell zips off and you can wear the inside as a sports jacket."

Oh good, because having the zippers on the sports jacket won't look tacky at all! And it's the itchy wool, my favorite! I know I'm not on the front line of fashion. I don't think I'm even in the fashion line, period. If it weren't for Dawn, I doubt I could make it out of the house with matching socks. Seriously, she's the one who opened up my world to wearing colored dress shirts, and I only bought the blue & light grey shirts because she assured me they'd match. Then she told me I couldn't wear a black shirt with black pants. That confused me... Anyhow, no one has ever come up to me and said, "You know, a sports jacket would really work with your shirt and tie look..." and I've had strangers come up and say some really weird things.

I politely told him I wasn't looking for jackets and walked towards the checkout. I made the mistake of slowing down momentarily in front of the tie display and he started to salivate again. I shook my head to say to him "don't even go there", when what I was really thinking was "I'm using my heat vision on you, why is your head not exploding?!?"